It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

It is almost time, once again, for the girls of the LFoD to gather together and share a night of terrifying movies and lots and lots of sugar. This is how we celebrate Halloween in NZ. Emphasis on WE since most people don't.

So today I pulled myself out of bed (at like 4 PM shhh) and went into Riccarton to fetch supplies. It's also my oldest original character's 23rd birthday today. She was 16 when I made her. I thought the situation called for cheesecake. Bailey's cheesecake. Cause, like...she's Irish. Anyway, then I went and purchased two bags of junk food that is necessary for Halloween.

I decided to catch a different bus home today simply because it got there before the normal Orbiter bus I get. We have a new central bus station and I haven't been in there yet. It's this temporary thing in the middle of town and seeing it made me burst with love for this city. It's trying so hard.

We turned out of the bus station and onto a street. We were tooling along and everyone went silent. I looked around at the gaping, empty spaces where buildings used to be and I had no idea where I was. I didn't recognise the street so I just figured it was one of the side-streets in town. And then I noticed the Dick Smith Ness used to work at and realised I was on Columbo Street. For non-locals, that's one of the main streets through town. And it's just...gone. When I realised where I was, I felt like I might vomit. This is real. It really happened. It's not going away. And it's happening other places and it's so much worse and blahblahblah yuck.

So I had burgers and Simpsons and then I ate cheesecake. Tomorrow there will be tea and then pumpkin soup and horror movies. Clinging to the nice things is better than vomiting in horror because the world seriously, absolutely sucks.

Happy birthday, Deirdre. No character has ever made me laugh and scream and cry and want to strangle and hug a fictional person at the same time as much as you have. Thank you for being part of my brain. You make it just that little bit nicer.

Semester 2 has started and already I have had a class cancelled because the university just didn't figure out the class venue in time. I can't deal well with this. I miss the Social Work building. It was a safe and familiar place. Being in a different room every time and not knowing where classes are or when until an hour before is nerve-wracking and I am a person who likes constancy and normalcy. I have anxiety disorders. These things are important.

It might just be that I am still sick and overly tired, but I don't want to go back at all. And it's not that I don't love what I am studying, because I do (except for policy omfg). I still want to be a social worker and I still want my degree, but I am starting to think this year might be a wash. I can't concentrate on anything, and I already put off my first placement. Now apparently I should have heard about my second placement by now but I haven't so I had to email them to remind them I got permission to do the second placement without the first, given by the program coordinator who said he wasn't worried about me because dammit, I'm awesome. I don't know what do to. It's all...*sigh* I need my student loan, which is the only reason I stayed enrolled at all. If I can't concentrate enough to study, and yet I can't really drop out, what the ever livin' fuck can I do, eh?

Part of me wants to quit and go study the rest of my degree in Ireland or something. But I love the people here. Hrrnnnggghhhh. And I did love the city, but it's gone now.

Fuck it all. Fuck this earthquake. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck motherfucking fuck fuck fuck. Can it be December now so I can go see my mommy?

I don't think it's fair that I am having major allergy issues/a cold while I am trying to fix my anxiety issues but oh well.

( Cut for anxiety issue chat. Could be triggering for fellow phobic-anxiety sufferers )

Leah: "I have to think of a medieval Scottish name."
Me: (just pulling out first Scottish name I could think of. "Macbeth!"
Leah: "Yes. I am going to name my female kelpie Macbetha."
Me: "...Macbethany?"

Christ I am so clever it hurts me sometimes.

No, like...really. I laughed so hard at this (I tend to find myself funnier than anyone else does, something that always baffles me because like...I am amazing...) and it hurt my stupid chest.

Sitting in class today was excruciating. And then don't even get me started on how the rest of the day sucked major ass. At least I am home now with my girls, ignoring the rest of the shitty world.

My family friends and acquaintances in Japan are fine, as far as I know. My friend in Hawaii is fine too. He lives very close to the beach, but when he went to stay at his grandmother's in the middle of the island to keep away from the surge.

Now I just hope my California/Washington/Oregon people are okay.

I haven't slept. I boiled water and watched Most Haunted and read news reports and panicked.

I'm just so exhausted. The earthquake hasn't stopped affecting us here, and the damage was pretty localised. It's been quite a long time and things are nowhere near back to normal and won't be for ages. But when I look at what's happening in Japan...

Just. Fuck.

I don't know.

I posted a thingy on Tumblr last night which was metaphorical of how I'm feeling inside, even though I was talking about something else. It's here in case you feel like reading it. Behold how goddamn deep I am, you guys, omg.

I just feel really fragile. I managed to actually write something I didn't hate. In fact, I really love it. And that made me want to watch Michael Collins so I could Irish!historygasm. Yeah. If you're feeling fragile, watching Michael Collins WILL make you sob for two hours straight. Just, you know, FYI. But GOD that movie. I love it. It is so well done. And it amuses me to see Jonathan Rhys Meyers in one of his first film roles. Where he gets to use his actual accent!

I'm just worn out. And people keep asking me questions I have no way of answering and it pisses me off when it shouldn't. But I don't know when my course will start again and I don't know when my placement will start again and I don't know when real life will resume. We only just got water on at full strength and considering the way it's been going on and off for days at a time, who knows if it will stay that way. Some of the city is still without power and water at ALL, let alone the people who lost homes and families and lives. So yeah, I don't know when classes will resume again.

Stop asking.

I haven't cried during any of this. Not really. I was beginning to think I was cybernetic or something.

And then a large aftershock hit and rattled the house and I'm home alone and my girls are out and I thought it was getting worse and scarier and I broke out in frantic sobs and now I can't stop crying even though it turned out okay.

Not so robotic after all.

A view of Christchurch from the hills the minute after the quake. I was in the middle of this and so were so many others.

That dust cloud is from collapsing buildings and it is just...so- Indescribable.

On the side of lovely things though, I called my workmates from ACU in Melbourne because they left panicked messages on my Facebook yesterday. It was so nice to talk to them. They put me on speaker phone and they all yelled "HI WE LOVE YOU HOW ARE YOU WE MISS YOU" and various word-clouds of loveliness. Then Lisa spoke to me for a good half an hour before they all got back on to say goodbye. They are so lovely, and I miss them!

Tonight I made a sort of spaghetti sauce out of tinned tomatoes and herbs and spices. It was a little weird, but good! And we ate more of Alison's Amanda-food. And we got water from a tattooed man at a primary school. But he wasn't creepy, he was lovely!

EDIT: A post on Leah's journal of our own photos here In the photo of our rainwater collection, my kitty is staring out the window at Alison taking the photo. She is ADORABLE. /biased.

My beautiful cathedral. That makes me want to sob. Of course, worse is the death toll and the trapped people and the horrible injuries and devastation and and and. I was just watching through the city this morning on my way to my first day of placement thinking "wow, so much scaffolding. This poor city." But you know what? The scaffolding was better.

We were all downstairs having lunch when it happened. It was five minutes until my first team meeting and then the entire building shook more strongly than anything I have ever felt and there was screaming and crashing and the lights went out and the lady next to me gripped my arm like a vice. And I sat there through it all, as calm as anything. When it stopped, we all exited the building (fumbling in the dark, but thank goodness we weren't upstairs) and when people asked me if I was okay, I said I was fine. I was surrounded by counsellors and social workers and I think I was the calmest one there and I don't know why. I went very focused. Get phone. Call Leah and Alison. Get home.

And then I looked to my left at the city center I was a five minute walk from. And I couldn't see it. The dust from collapsed buildings had obscured it completely. And I only kept from panicking that Ness and Jen were in there (they are okay, btw) because I was focused. Get phone. Call Ali and Leah. Get home. Got a text from Alison saying she was okay. Good.

My supervisor gave me a ride (bless her forever) and I finally called Leah. Talked her through an aftershock (to which my supervisor said 'GOOD!') as the car I was in shook like a mofo and people on the streets outside screamed and screamed. We drove past unspeakable damage and horror and I got home and my house is still standing. It's a mess, but still standing. And my vision blurred and I couldn't breathe and I sort of had a mini-panic attack. But I'm okay now. We have a broken pipe, but really? Lucky. So lucky. My kitty is sticking right by my side, but that's okay by me. Having a purring kitty curled up against your chest makes it a little better.

Have heard from all my friends. They're all safe. And my Tim Minchin CD came. The earth is still shaking all the time all the time and no dinner with Amanda Palmer (thankfully she hadn't flown in yet, but Jason Webley is in town and with Hera). But my girls are with me.

Today I went in to visit Ness at her work and I purchased a new phone since my old one was a little dilapidated and the battery was annoying. New phone is wi-fi enabled and snazzy and I downloaded apps for my yahoo!mail and a few other things. It also has a Tim Minchin background (took me forever to find one that worked because it has to be really wide instead of long) and it plays a Sherlock Holmes ringtone when the phone rings. I enjoy this! So farewell to the Barbie Dream Phone. I shall miss you BDP. You were good to me and you rotated pictures of my favourite people (the ones I don't know in person...). Alas, the time has come to part ways.

On the uni front, I have finally enrolled but this is after the head of the program himself had to call me and assure me they would get onto getting me through the approval process right away. US student loans at an NZ university are frickin' FUN, I'll tell you what. But I can't complain too much. Without them, I'd be up shit creek with no degree. Well...with two degrees I don't use, instead of three with one I DO hope to use.

Miss my housemates. They're at Canterbury Faire and I remain home, alone with the cat! Ness came over to watch Sherlock and entertain me, which was awesome! <3 And now, since I spent almost all of yesterday sleeping (I was literally awake for about 6 hours of yesterday in total. and then I slept until 10:30 this morning...), I will spend the night drinking tea from my dragon tea pot and writing things with myself and trying not to panic about poor Queensland and the category 5 cyclone headed towards them :(. Just fuck, man.