It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

Last night I had a dream my grandpa died. Followed by my lovely Auntie Ann being diagnosed with some horrible thing blah.

Less than an hour ago my sister called and said my grandpa had died. I knew it had to be bad when my sister was on the phone. (♥) He had a stroke in his sleep and died without really waking up which is good. I haven't seen him since I was about 15 though I talked to him a little in 2010 right before I moved here. He was a lovely and funny guy when I was younger but I have basically already grieved for losing him from my life. So this feels weird. I mean this is the man who survived a tree falling on him.

I called my grandmother. I saw her much more recently during a visit to my sister's house and again talked to her in 2010. She sounded not great, and understandably so since she was with him for over 60 years. It was actually a good talk, despite me fearing it would be really awkward. She sounded a little better by the end of it, though how long that lasts, who knows. I feel...numbysad. That's a thing. But I'm going to send my grandma a letter and some pictures. I hope it cheers her up. She said she always wanted to see New Zealand so I'll get some pictures printed of the places around here too.

If it turns out my aunt is really sick, I will be so pissed off. I am pretty sure my subconscious made up the disease though, so we might be fine.

Today was like...the best day ever. My ribs hurt from laughing and my cheeks are sore from smiling.

Ness should have birthdays every day :D <3

Too tired for details, but I am just so happy!

It's already 2012 where I live. Here in Montana it's still 2011, but only for a few more hours.

These last few days with my family have been perfect. Yesterday I bought sheet music for Malik and we wandered around, talking. I played games with them all. Kelly keeps asking me to tell stories because apparently I'm hilarious. My aunt is here too, which is awesome. And oh oh, Malik had to do this project on 12 Angry Men for his English class. So he wrote, played and recorded a song in like an hour. And it was awesome. So incredibly creative, it's ridiculous.

I can't wait for 2011 to get the heck out. Here's to 2012 not consisting of jumping from one natural disaster to the next, combined with personal disasters that never seem to end. But really, I wouldn't change these last few days for anything. If 2011 always ended this way, I would slog through it again and again.

My family is amazing.

My step-father has cleared out a large amount of the high wild grass just beyond the area of their backyard they turned into lawn. I finally asked today what the random flatted circle was for. Turns out he wants to make a...wait for it...seventy-foot wide shamrock out there. With wild yellow rosebushes at the edges of it.

Apparently in Belfast his...grandfather? I think it was his grandfather. Anyway some Gallagher dude dug up his wife's wild rose bushes and she told him not to because that was where the wee folk lived and they didn't like their home disturbed. He did it anyway. So the story is that the wee folk put a curse on the family. Something about first borns...something. Which apparently has seemed to have come true. So he wants to plant wild rose bushes for the wee folk. In a seventy-foot wide shamrock.

Just... <3

(This is what people do when they retire...)

Today was actually lovely, despite my sincere hate for the day. I have always hated Thanksgiving. I used to get sick on it every year and my mother used to say my body was objecting to the holiday as much as my mind was. But it was nice to be with family I haven't seen in years, including my nephew Sean who is like 12 feet tall now, I swear. Even my step-sister who can be a Sourface McFussypants was in pleasant spirits. She actually seemed interested in my life. SHOCKER. And my nieces were good, amusing fun as always.

Then I came back online and found out my former boss, Doreen, passed away today. I worked under her in Australia and we had our ups and downs, but that was because she knew I was capable of awesomeness. So when I wasn't being awesome, she informed me. And bless her for it. When I said I might want to move, she supported me every single step of the way. She helped me apply, she sent a glowing letter of recommendation along, she checked in with me every day to see how I was doing with the decision since it was a pretty big one... She let Lewi and me housesit while she was on vacation once so we could get out of his parents house for a week. She treated me like I mattered and frankly, sometimes in Australia I needed to know that since Lewi and only a few others ever did. And she had no reason to go out of her way for me. She just did. She was a damn classy lady. I am so sad to know I'll never see her again. Not only was she classy, she was hilarious and fun.

When I got accepted to University of Canterbury, she cried and hugged me. She made everyone applaud me when I left. She made work feel like a second home. She was amazing and she will be so missed.

My yahoo mail is still not working. Humph. But I am in the US and safe and tired. And it's snowy here. Poos. But I had mommy hugs :D

Also my parent's house has heated floors, which you don't notice on the carpets, but I just went into the bathroom and it freaked me right out before I remembered.

Now I will sleep because I'm dying. But <3

Slept for like 14 hours and much of that time I was having dreams of panic attacks. They felt so real I have no idea if they were real panic attacks and I just didn't wake up instead weaving them into dreams, or if they were completely dreamed ones. And when I wasn't panicking, I was dreaming about tornadoes and trying to get all my stuff and cats into a tornado shelter randomly filled with children I couldn't control. HMM, WHO IS FEELING A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL LATELY!? Thanks, subconscious, but I am already aware of that. You don't have to send me dream messages to tell me. I always get this way before I fly internationally because there's so much to arrange. HHHRRGGNNNHHH.

Dentist appointment today! Nearly vomited from stress in the waiting room because I hate being judged and I had to write down on the form that I haven't been to a dentist in years. Turned out to be just fine. I said going in that I am a student and can't afford how expensive the dentist is and other than a little Look, the guy was lovely and not-judgey. Though to keep myself calm before I went in, I was quoting Ed Byrne on dentists in my head. "How much of a shit do THEY give about teeth!?" Oh, Ed. I love thee.

Then I walked into town so I could see Cashel Street mall. I was on Cashel Street (though the other end of it) when the Feb quake happened and going back there nearly sent me panicking, but I decided to go anyway. The place was basically levelled in February but they have sent up shops in shipping containers and it was...basically awesome. I have photos which I'll post later. The only thing about it that I didn't like was when I was walking down Colombo Street and I coughed, the city was so empty that my cough echoed and that was just UNCOOL. But Cashel Street totally made up for it. This city...just...<3

Now I am too tired to do anything else I planned today. Stupid fatigue. So I will watch How I Met Your Mother until I have to make dinner and then fall into bed again. But I did dentistry and shopping and I ate Thai food which was all kinds of awesome. So I'm calling today a win, even if there WAS a largeish aftershock when I was on the third floor of a building in the city.

I got the second part of my loan finally. Six class weeks before the end of the year, but at least that means all the work I have done this year wasn't for nothing!

We have been watching Star Trek: The Original Series and it is awesome. Even if the 60s-era misogyny is rampant. I love Bones, Spock and Kirk. They are so in a three-way relationship.

Mexican food and The Trip last night was awesome too! I love Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan! They are brilliant together. And now I want to watch A Cock and Bull Story again sometime! Their banter is the best thing about it. Their banter and Dylan Moran hanging with Gillian Anderson.

Since I had slept basically the entire weekend, I was up yesterday for 24 hours. So the last 45 minutes or so of the movie was hard to stay awake for, but I'm so glad I didn't fall asleep. And not just because no one needs to hear my great honking snores. I would have been so sad to miss it.

Sometime this week I need to start my law essay and make an appointment to get my prescription renewed. But things are looking up, even if I am still really tired. And soon there will be curry! :D And then I will eat more of my giant dinosaur-lolly from Laura!

..last night I had a dream Neil Gaiman was my dad. It was awesome. Even if, for ONCE, I wish I could not have a lucid dream. Strangely, being aware that your dreams aren't real even as you dream them is kind of tiring.

If I haven't mentioned lately how much my mother rocks then here: my mother is pure awesome.

So I've been looking for birthday cards for you and haven't found the right one, so I gave up and decided I'd just confirm what I would have told you in the card-- that as long as you have the time at Christmas to come home, we will figure out how to get you here. If you have any $ to throw into the hat, that would be good, but your birthday/Christmas present will be whatever is needed to make up the difference for the ticket. If that's ok with you.

Uh. YEAH THAT'S OKAY WITH ME! Yay, Christmas with my family! I haven't had a Christmas that felt like Christmas since 2003. It's the one time of year I want snow and not summertime. And turkey and my mother's stuffing instead of a barbecue. Though Lewi's dad did do AWESOME and epic barbecues which always tasted of amazing, they still never felt right. Last year was good, but I still missed being in Montana.

And my sister and her family might be there too and just <3<3<3. This is what I needed right now when I feel sick and blah and hurgh. Perfect.

I don't know if I could ever possibly explain the hilarity of Alison and me trying to push/pull/drag/spin this rolling chest of drawers from the garage to the house. It is too heavy to carry and has no handles because it is meant to be rolled. But the ground is pebbley and dirty and the chest of drawers didn't want to go. So we dragged it awkwardly and drawers came out and it tipped funny and then we settled on walking it by tipping it one way and then the other so it ambled like R2-D2. This was after we have to move this huge thing in the garage to even get to the chest of drawers.

We giggled the entire time. And then Alison said she wouldn't have traded the experience for anything.

So now I have a chest of (Woot's) drawers so I can get my closet sorted, as I have been using my suitcase as pseudo-drawers for over a year now. Then I will hang up the rest of my pictures on the wall and my room will be all done! And I can post photos of my little paradise!

Now if only I could find a Papasan chair! I WANT ONE SO BAD YOU HAVE NO IDEA! And all the ones on Trade Me are too expensive and on the North Island. Screw you, Trade Me. GIVE ME A PAPASAN!