It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

I've been posting most things on my Tumblr recently. I have become so disenchanted with LJ. I miss the old days!

Moving on, things have been good lately. Our house is going to be fixed up soon so all the earthquake cracks will be filled in and covered over. We get new wallpaper and paint and the landlords are getting new curtains too. Our living room is going to be sooooo pretty! Of course this does mean moving all of our crap out of half of the house so the builders can do work there but cest la vie. I am so looking forward to things getting fixed up. So. You know. Fingers crossed no more big earthquakes after that because fixing it twice would be a pain in the ass. Yeah, Lara, fixing the wallpaper is the biggest consequence of big earthquakes. *sigh* I think they're fixing the crack in the foundation as well! There is an annoying bump in the kitchen they AREN'T fixing which isn't great. But they seemed to think it was just fine.

Meds are nice. And I am able to get through most days without having to collapse and nap so that is a good sign. I still feel exhausted all the time, but I am sleeping less. So maybe this chronic fatigue is on it's way out.

I think the biggest things I did lately were to go to a Roman repast with the housemates. It was so good and a lot of fun. The next day Alison and I toured Antonio Hall, which is this amazing and run-down house in Christchurch. Part of it was destroyed in the earthquakes but we got to go in to the newer bits which held up fine. Of course they have been destroyed by time and people squatting there, but it was amazing to tour through. I love urban decay. www.antoniohall.org.nz And if you live in Christchurch you can arrange a tour there. It's a special request kind of thing but they will work with you! And I am SO glad I got to do it.

Now it is Good Friday so I should go start making things for our dinner.

I had a little brain power today, hurrah!

Tomorrow I have to do medication-getting and grocery shopping and adult-being which is like such a total drag, you guys. But today I did writing and talking and being silly. And I ate a chocolate self-saucing pudding which I had never had before. Peter made it and it was awesome! And Woot made satay chicken which was delightful.

Here's hoping my brain power continues until tomorrow while I run my errands.

But whatever. I got this in the mail today. So pretty.

I got black curtains and put them up so I could finally say goodbye to the pink ones. Ness can have her curtains back! Though really we should wash those...

But YAY BLACK CURTAINS! They are JUST long enough to reach the windowsill but hush! I love them :D And they look amazing with my purple lights over them. I also bought a very cheap but very nice shirt (we were at the warehouse, this entire purchase was pretty darn cheap) and the shirt not only suits me, but I look hot in it.

SO HAH! THINGS ARE AWESOME!

Other things in the list of awesome that is today? Watching movies with my Leah, and Dirty Life coming back. I am going to write some Nicholas and Hannah SO hardcore! Eeeiiiii!

My house mates are currently hanging out at a Dresden Dolls soundcheck. I am so excited for them. Then they will be at the concert which I am not going to because I don't really enjoy concerts. I did go to the ninja gig yesterday though and it was awesome. My favourite part was actually talking to Hera but shhh. It was AWESOME and I got some kickass photos.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for more blood tests just to make sure everything is still okay in the face of this fatigue. Then I am sending off like 5 applications. Today my doctor upped my does of citalopram so I can fight the depression as well as the anxiety. Of course the first week after you mess with meds is always crappy. I might wait until tomorrow after I get the blood test so I don't panic about leaving the house. At least needles don't bother me! But no reason to make myself feel worse before attempting to arrange things. Blah.

I have a cold so I am currently lamenting that I can't sing! Yesterday in an attempt not to spread my disease to Amanda Palmer I told her no hugs and so she headbutted my hip. It was amusing. I wouldn't hug Hera either so she airhugged me!

Hopefully I'll get myself sorted soon. I have a doctor note for sickness benefit. So now I just have to send it in.

Been avoiding my journal because LJ pisses me off. So here's a quick update:

Back in New Zealand. Being in the US and avoiding real life was awesome. Now I have to do actual decisions though. Calling WINZ tomorrow to look in to going on disability for chronic fatigue since I still completely crash out of nowhere and just can't do anything. Then I need to up my meds because being sick for so long is depressing and what I'm on isn't enough any more.

Also I have a cold which I am sure I got from the plane.

BUT I am back with my kitties and my housemates. They are such lovely people. I couldn't ask for better people to be with while I slog my way through this.

Once I figure out what I am doing next year, then I need to just get better. Because really? I'd like my life to continue and it feels like it has just stalled. I don't like it.

Slept for like 14 hours and much of that time I was having dreams of panic attacks. They felt so real I have no idea if they were real panic attacks and I just didn't wake up instead weaving them into dreams, or if they were completely dreamed ones. And when I wasn't panicking, I was dreaming about tornadoes and trying to get all my stuff and cats into a tornado shelter randomly filled with children I couldn't control. HMM, WHO IS FEELING A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL LATELY!? Thanks, subconscious, but I am already aware of that. You don't have to send me dream messages to tell me. I always get this way before I fly internationally because there's so much to arrange. HHHRRGGNNNHHH.

Dentist appointment today! Nearly vomited from stress in the waiting room because I hate being judged and I had to write down on the form that I haven't been to a dentist in years. Turned out to be just fine. I said going in that I am a student and can't afford how expensive the dentist is and other than a little Look, the guy was lovely and not-judgey. Though to keep myself calm before I went in, I was quoting Ed Byrne on dentists in my head. "How much of a shit do THEY give about teeth!?" Oh, Ed. I love thee.

Then I walked into town so I could see Cashel Street mall. I was on Cashel Street (though the other end of it) when the Feb quake happened and going back there nearly sent me panicking, but I decided to go anyway. The place was basically levelled in February but they have sent up shops in shipping containers and it was...basically awesome. I have photos which I'll post later. The only thing about it that I didn't like was when I was walking down Colombo Street and I coughed, the city was so empty that my cough echoed and that was just UNCOOL. But Cashel Street totally made up for it. This city...just...<3

Now I am too tired to do anything else I planned today. Stupid fatigue. So I will watch How I Met Your Mother until I have to make dinner and then fall into bed again. But I did dentistry and shopping and I ate Thai food which was all kinds of awesome. So I'm calling today a win, even if there WAS a largeish aftershock when I was on the third floor of a building in the city.

You must all be so glad when you see a post from me these days. I can feel the excitement from here. I am so sorry this is all I talk about now. But seriously, I can't think about anything else when I feel so wretched.

I finished my law essay and went to class today. Class was okay because I was just sitting there. And I actually enjoyed being a loud-mouthed and opinionated pushy girl so that was nice. Then I had to go turn in my essay on the 6th floor of the history building. I didn't walk up the stairs because my knees can't take it, but I decided to walk down because I hate elevators and hey, we're still getting enough aftershocks that I filled my waterbottle up before I even got in the elevator to go up just in case one knocked the power out and I got stuck.

So I was walking down the stairs and I kept shaking. Mad, knee-knocking, entire body-trembling shaking. And it got gradually worse and worse as I went down. When I was on the third floor, I just burst into tears because I was shaking so badly. Strangely enough, my lecturer was returning to his office which is on the third floor so he whisked me in there and got me some tea while I sobbed on his desk about how I can't even walk down a flight of stairs. I finally managed to suck it up and head for the bus. During the ride Simon was kind enough to keep me distracted so I didn't sob the entire way home.

I napped for several hours and then ate tacos and lots of fruit. I still feel like hell. I think it's actually just one of those days I am stupidly overtired and my blood sugar isn't cooperating and there's nothing I can do about it. I have been eating all day to try to fix it. It tends to work itself out eventually but in the meantime I feel rotten inside. I seriously just ate a huge meal, a nectarine, a mandarin and a banana and I feel like I haven't eaten in days.

I hate my stupid body. (And I have to keep telling myself I am not dying because of my anxiety. SUCH FUN.)

No good for sanity to open one email with a remittance advice for my refund and to see it was only for $577.00 But then I opened the other one and there was the rest of the money. But there was panic there for nigh on a minute. My poor fragile sanity.

I'm feeling very blue today. I even played some Final Fantasy X which I haven't played in about two years. Ah, that ridiculous, stupid game. How I love it.

I need to go to the shops and get cat food and stuffff and I'm like bllaahhhhhh get off your ass, Lara! Christ.

(Do not let me buy DVDs, willpower. Come on. Work for me!)

Bought a cat tree house (the tunnels are not that big at all and I don't think Ariadne could even remotely fit in them but the rest is awesome) and they love it! Well the kittens were immediately convinced. They climbed up there before I was even done building it. I had to place Ariadne in one of the little cat hammocks and manually curl her up and then hold her there while I pet her for several minutes before she calmed down, but she hasn't moved since and she looks quite happy with her new sitting place. She's going to sleep in fact. See, baby? Sometimes when I bother you, I actually have your best interest at heart instead of just wanted to kiss your wee face because it is so cuteomg.

Also, check out the spam email I got (this is a print screen I took. It's safe to click!) It makes me laugh quite hard. I don't live in the US, guys. I didn't file a tax return. And much better on disguising your address there and even including a header, but still not falling for it. You sort of uhm...used some wrong words there. But you are getting craftier. Bravo.

The last few nights have been rough. I can't sleep again. Increased adrenaline makes for increased anxiety which makes for me staying up until 6 am and sleeping badly when I finally do fall asleep. I have a little dry mouth again and that's annoying. Huurrr. The social anxiety is still okay, I think! And I have finally gotten my head back into writing, YAY! Thank goodness for that. I missed it while it was gone!

Also thank goodness for our new cheese toastie machine. I will never eat anything else. And all the tea. I drink it. All.

I've been sleeping better, and when I woke up with a funny feeling throat thanks to the cold I am developing, I didn't panic. Which is awesomely amazing. First time.

Yesterday I had class which went really well, except that I was 40 minutes late. Why? I walked to the vet to get a flea treatment for the new kitten, Echo. But when I had printed out my assignment, I had taken my wallet out of my bag to get my student ID to write it on the cover sheet. I did this at home, so at least I didn't leave my wallet somewhere public, but it wasn't in my bag at the vet's. :|. I had been planning on taking the bus from there to uni to turn in my medical withdrawal form and turn in my assignment with plenty of time to get to class. Except then I had to walk home. And then the bus was late. And then it stopped to let about 500 kids on, which is fine as that is what a bus is for, but they were stupid kids and took forever to wrestle before boarding the bus and then struggling to find their own wallets. And then the student services office had moved. And then I got lost trying to find it. And then I had to cross campus to turn in my assignment. And then the bus to the Dovedale campus took forever too. So yes. Late. But I didn't panic then either. Hurrah.

Today I have a meeting with Anxiety Support Canterbury. I am going to discuss counselling and group with work them. And I am not anxious about the meeting at all. I can't even describe how that feels.

So instead I am about to post 25 photos of kittens. Yesterday the sun was streaming in and since my flash is as bright as a thousand suns and washes everything out, I decided to take photos of the cats with natural light so people could see what they really looked like. And then the photos looked amazing. So I took like...150. Shut up, these are freaking gorgeous. The cats and the pictures ;)

( You should be glad there are only 25... )