It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

Been avoiding my journal because LJ pisses me off. So here's a quick update:

Back in New Zealand. Being in the US and avoiding real life was awesome. Now I have to do actual decisions though. Calling WINZ tomorrow to look in to going on disability for chronic fatigue since I still completely crash out of nowhere and just can't do anything. Then I need to up my meds because being sick for so long is depressing and what I'm on isn't enough any more.

Also I have a cold which I am sure I got from the plane.

BUT I am back with my kitties and my housemates. They are such lovely people. I couldn't ask for better people to be with while I slog my way through this.

Once I figure out what I am doing next year, then I need to just get better. Because really? I'd like my life to continue and it feels like it has just stalled. I don't like it.

No good for sanity to open one email with a remittance advice for my refund and to see it was only for $577.00 But then I opened the other one and there was the rest of the money. But there was panic there for nigh on a minute. My poor fragile sanity.

I'm feeling very blue today. I even played some Final Fantasy X which I haven't played in about two years. Ah, that ridiculous, stupid game. How I love it.

I need to go to the shops and get cat food and stuffff and I'm like bllaahhhhhh get off your ass, Lara! Christ.

(Do not let me buy DVDs, willpower. Come on. Work for me!)

The sleepysleepy virus has been going on since about the 20th of June. It's almost September. So that's nice.

I wasn't tired tonight (after sleeping all weekend long) so I have been awake all night, though I only woke up at 10 pm. So I haven't even been up for 12 hours. But I have plans tonight! So I hope I can nap before then!

How many more months before this is chronic fatigue syndrome? Four? If it lasts that long, I might go legitimately crazy...

It's Alison's birthday and we went to Captain America which I didn't expect to love, but I did. It was awesome. The ending made me so happy. But I will not give it away.

Of course it doesn't detract from the fact that nothing is going right at the moment and I want to claw my eyeballs out or spend every second screaming, but it was nice despite that. There was lunch at Drexel's and soon there will be brinner and then bed because I slept through Sunday again so I have been up for about 18 hours now. And I have been tired for 12 of them. Tired and sick and blah and ffff and hatehatehate.

I will be 30 on Friday! I keep forgetting it's happening because I'm so tired and generally blah. But it will be lovely. There will be a fry up and probably pie since I like it more than cake. Or both. And then later in the weekend, there will be a Laura too.

Tonight there is chicken strips and lots of veggies. Also pineapple. My body is like "frruuuiiittt?!?!?!" so I am letting it have some.

I still feel torn on the whole topic of study. So I guess we'll see how it goes.

Semester 2 has started and already I have had a class cancelled because the university just didn't figure out the class venue in time. I can't deal well with this. I miss the Social Work building. It was a safe and familiar place. Being in a different room every time and not knowing where classes are or when until an hour before is nerve-wracking and I am a person who likes constancy and normalcy. I have anxiety disorders. These things are important.

It might just be that I am still sick and overly tired, but I don't want to go back at all. And it's not that I don't love what I am studying, because I do (except for policy omfg). I still want to be a social worker and I still want my degree, but I am starting to think this year might be a wash. I can't concentrate on anything, and I already put off my first placement. Now apparently I should have heard about my second placement by now but I haven't so I had to email them to remind them I got permission to do the second placement without the first, given by the program coordinator who said he wasn't worried about me because dammit, I'm awesome. I don't know what do to. It's all...*sigh* I need my student loan, which is the only reason I stayed enrolled at all. If I can't concentrate enough to study, and yet I can't really drop out, what the ever livin' fuck can I do, eh?

Part of me wants to quit and go study the rest of my degree in Ireland or something. But I love the people here. Hrrnnnggghhhh. And I did love the city, but it's gone now.

Fuck it all. Fuck this earthquake. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck motherfucking fuck fuck fuck. Can it be December now so I can go see my mommy?

Totally depressed and feel like sobbing forever. Everything is crumbling and it's all very, very doomy and gloomy. Fucking earthquakes anyway.

I got tea in the mail though. Tea and also a mink blanket (it is not actually mink, it just feels like it) and more tea. So, you know. That's nice. But the blanket is black as my soul. Aaaand now I have that song in my head.

Rearranged my room last night. I set up my new bookcases and the kettle (muhahhahhaa room-kettle!) and now I just have to put the new blanket on my bed. When I have motivation to do more than just sit here and feel shitty about everything in the world ever.

The ground can stay still now, please? I have spent nearly a year writing 'stop it, Christchurch' LJ entries. They have to be as tiring to read as they are to write.

That'll teach me to complain about not being affected. There was a 6.0 after the 5.5. I was in the living room with Leah and things started falling down. The whole house swayed and so I dove under the door with Leah to cling until it stopped. There is dripping in the roof, but I think that stopped too. So our hot water tank must have sloshed some more water out of it. The kittens are fine, though Ariadne won't come out from under my bed.

City council staff at the Art Gallery's civil defence headquarters said the 2.20pm aftershock was "very very significant" and a number of buildings had collapsed in the red zone.

Emergency teams confirmed the leaning Hotel Grand Chancellor had tipped further over.

The Art Centre's historic clock tower has lost its clockface. It has shattered and fallen to the ground.

And there's yet more photos. Like this one.

Enough of this.

EDIT: Key said to demonstrate the significance of today's quakes, the magnitude six quake this afternoon registered an eight on the Mercalli scale which measures the intensity of earth quakes. By comparison the February 22 earthquake was a nine.

Not surprised. That one today did feel as horrible as that one in February.

EDIT 2: "This size of events is likely to produce its own aftershock sequence, therefore rejuvenating aftershock activity at least in the short term."

OH GOOD. Again not surprised. But *sigh*

I got another cat. Because I am insane. She is nameless and currently curled up on my shoulder. She's tiny and awkward which is why I love her. The awkward part, I am aware she will grow. She needs a name.

I think the newest side effect of the meds is insomnia, though at least that's relatively normal for me. But I can't sleep longer than a few hours at a time, even when Helios isn't waking me up. So it's 8:30 in the morning and I have been awake since about 5. And while the good days are really good and the bad days have usually meant I am extra-anxious, this is a bad day and instead I am depressed. I feel like I might snap someone's head off.

It's not awesome.

Large aftershock just knocked out the power. It was only out for like...five minutes, but that was five minutes of me panicking that it was starting all over again. And it seemed to last a lot longer. I checked the water and that was fine (thank Christ, I really didn't do well without the water), and then my fan came back on and I felt this ridiculous sense of relief.

I don't like this. This doomsday feeling that my life is on pause. Though I read that the area where my placement is might be opening back up, since it's in the inner city cordon now, but they're decreasing the cordon tomorrow. And I think they mentioned the area where my placement is. That's good because it means I might be able to go back to placement. But it's bad because it means I might be able to go back to placement and I don't know if I'm ready. On my first day all Hell broke loose. Kind of literally. Though I will probably feel this way until it happens, so maybe the sooner the better. I have to tell you, this is making my 'spend a few years in the UK after graduating and then come back to NZ' plan look all kinds of nice, even though I don't want to leave my people :(

When I do go back, I will be terrified the entire time, and it is no longer because I feel I will do a bad job. I am so beyond that now. It's because I don't want the world to fall in on me.

In other news though, I'm about to go have a sandwich. And that's a tick in the 'Good Things' column! And my head is feeling a little clearer. Maybe I can write something today that isn't historical fiction. This would please me greatly.

Also, my cat is an agent of chaos. Just so you know.