It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

It's Alison's birthday and we went to Captain America which I didn't expect to love, but I did. It was awesome. The ending made me so happy. But I will not give it away.

Of course it doesn't detract from the fact that nothing is going right at the moment and I want to claw my eyeballs out or spend every second screaming, but it was nice despite that. There was lunch at Drexel's and soon there will be brinner and then bed because I slept through Sunday again so I have been up for about 18 hours now. And I have been tired for 12 of them. Tired and sick and blah and ffff and hatehatehate.

Semester 2 has started and already I have had a class cancelled because the university just didn't figure out the class venue in time. I can't deal well with this. I miss the Social Work building. It was a safe and familiar place. Being in a different room every time and not knowing where classes are or when until an hour before is nerve-wracking and I am a person who likes constancy and normalcy. I have anxiety disorders. These things are important.

It might just be that I am still sick and overly tired, but I don't want to go back at all. And it's not that I don't love what I am studying, because I do (except for policy omfg). I still want to be a social worker and I still want my degree, but I am starting to think this year might be a wash. I can't concentrate on anything, and I already put off my first placement. Now apparently I should have heard about my second placement by now but I haven't so I had to email them to remind them I got permission to do the second placement without the first, given by the program coordinator who said he wasn't worried about me because dammit, I'm awesome. I don't know what do to. It's all...*sigh* I need my student loan, which is the only reason I stayed enrolled at all. If I can't concentrate enough to study, and yet I can't really drop out, what the ever livin' fuck can I do, eh?

Part of me wants to quit and go study the rest of my degree in Ireland or something. But I love the people here. Hrrnnnggghhhh. And I did love the city, but it's gone now.

Fuck it all. Fuck this earthquake. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck motherfucking fuck fuck fuck. Can it be December now so I can go see my mommy?

Totally depressed and feel like sobbing forever. Everything is crumbling and it's all very, very doomy and gloomy. Fucking earthquakes anyway.

I got tea in the mail though. Tea and also a mink blanket (it is not actually mink, it just feels like it) and more tea. So, you know. That's nice. But the blanket is black as my soul. Aaaand now I have that song in my head.

Rearranged my room last night. I set up my new bookcases and the kettle (muhahhahhaa room-kettle!) and now I just have to put the new blanket on my bed. When I have motivation to do more than just sit here and feel shitty about everything in the world ever.

The ground can stay still now, please? I have spent nearly a year writing 'stop it, Christchurch' LJ entries. They have to be as tiring to read as they are to write.

Yesterday's quakes upgraded to 5.7 and 6.3.

I just slept for 11 hours. That was nice. Though I am still exhausted.

People developed hypothermia last night because it was so cold. Some people didn't have power to run their heaters or to keep warm. I just... I think hiding from the world for a little while sounds like a good idea.