artemisofluna: (Big Bang Theory~Sheldon/Penny The Space)
( Oct. 28th, 2011 12:39 am)
I am finished with this university year. My final essay is in and I sat my final exam yesterday for the law class. A class I attended twice and studied for on the day before. I had to answer 4 essay questions. I managed to basically remember perfectly the legislation and regurgitate it for the exam for two questions. The last two, I think I remembered 90% and 80% of the legislation respectively. BUT I also have a special consideration waiver for the exam so if my result is terrible, they throw it out, and if it's not, it gets marked easier.

So that was my today. Going to the doctor and then going shopping. And then getting home and crashing because apparently instead of spending the rest of the day writing like I wanted to, the stress of the past...ever...got to me and I basically passed out. I woke up to eat some potatoes and soon I am headed to bed again.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have more energy! Then I can write. And begin to look forward to the trip to Dunedin and Fiordland as well as my trip to the US in about three weeks. Before that I need to clean my room like whoa. Organisation, ahoy!
artemisofluna: (Big Bang Theory~Sheldon/Penny The Space)
( Oct. 28th, 2011 12:39 am)
I am finished with this university year. My final essay is in and I sat my final exam yesterday for the law class. A class I attended twice and studied for on the day before. I had to answer 4 essay questions. I managed to basically remember perfectly the legislation and regurgitate it for the exam for two questions. The last two, I think I remembered 90% and 80% of the legislation respectively. BUT I also have a special consideration waiver for the exam so if my result is terrible, they throw it out, and if it's not, it gets marked easier.

So that was my today. Going to the doctor and then going shopping. And then getting home and crashing because apparently instead of spending the rest of the day writing like I wanted to, the stress of the past...ever...got to me and I basically passed out. I woke up to eat some potatoes and soon I am headed to bed again.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have more energy! Then I can write. And begin to look forward to the trip to Dunedin and Fiordland as well as my trip to the US in about three weeks. Before that I need to clean my room like whoa. Organisation, ahoy!
You must all be so glad when you see a post from me these days. I can feel the excitement from here. I am so sorry this is all I talk about now. But seriously, I can't think about anything else when I feel so wretched.

I finished my law essay and went to class today. Class was okay because I was just sitting there. And I actually enjoyed being a loud-mouthed and opinionated pushy girl so that was nice. Then I had to go turn in my essay on the 6th floor of the history building. I didn't walk up the stairs because my knees can't take it, but I decided to walk down because I hate elevators and hey, we're still getting enough aftershocks that I filled my waterbottle up before I even got in the elevator to go up just in case one knocked the power out and I got stuck.

So I was walking down the stairs and I kept shaking. Mad, knee-knocking, entire body-trembling shaking. And it got gradually worse and worse as I went down. When I was on the third floor, I just burst into tears because I was shaking so badly. Strangely enough, my lecturer was returning to his office which is on the third floor so he whisked me in there and got me some tea while I sobbed on his desk about how I can't even walk down a flight of stairs. I finally managed to suck it up and head for the bus. During the ride Simon was kind enough to keep me distracted so I didn't sob the entire way home.

I napped for several hours and then ate tacos and lots of fruit. I still feel like hell. I think it's actually just one of those days I am stupidly overtired and my blood sugar isn't cooperating and there's nothing I can do about it. I have been eating all day to try to fix it. It tends to work itself out eventually but in the meantime I feel rotten inside. I seriously just ate a huge meal, a nectarine, a mandarin and a banana and I feel like I haven't eaten in days.

I hate my stupid body. (And I have to keep telling myself I am not dying because of my anxiety. SUCH FUN.)
You must all be so glad when you see a post from me these days. I can feel the excitement from here. I am so sorry this is all I talk about now. But seriously, I can't think about anything else when I feel so wretched.

I finished my law essay and went to class today. Class was okay because I was just sitting there. And I actually enjoyed being a loud-mouthed and opinionated pushy girl so that was nice. Then I had to go turn in my essay on the 6th floor of the history building. I didn't walk up the stairs because my knees can't take it, but I decided to walk down because I hate elevators and hey, we're still getting enough aftershocks that I filled my waterbottle up before I even got in the elevator to go up just in case one knocked the power out and I got stuck.

So I was walking down the stairs and I kept shaking. Mad, knee-knocking, entire body-trembling shaking. And it got gradually worse and worse as I went down. When I was on the third floor, I just burst into tears because I was shaking so badly. Strangely enough, my lecturer was returning to his office which is on the third floor so he whisked me in there and got me some tea while I sobbed on his desk about how I can't even walk down a flight of stairs. I finally managed to suck it up and head for the bus. During the ride Simon was kind enough to keep me distracted so I didn't sob the entire way home.

I napped for several hours and then ate tacos and lots of fruit. I still feel like hell. I think it's actually just one of those days I am stupidly overtired and my blood sugar isn't cooperating and there's nothing I can do about it. I have been eating all day to try to fix it. It tends to work itself out eventually but in the meantime I feel rotten inside. I seriously just ate a huge meal, a nectarine, a mandarin and a banana and I feel like I haven't eaten in days.

I hate my stupid body. (And I have to keep telling myself I am not dying because of my anxiety. SUCH FUN.)
artemisofluna: (Photography~Love Will Tear Us Apart)
( Jul. 13th, 2011 12:52 am)
Semester 2 has started and already I have had a class cancelled because the university just didn't figure out the class venue in time. I can't deal well with this. I miss the Social Work building. It was a safe and familiar place. Being in a different room every time and not knowing where classes are or when until an hour before is nerve-wracking and I am a person who likes constancy and normalcy. I have anxiety disorders. These things are important.

It might just be that I am still sick and overly tired, but I don't want to go back at all. And it's not that I don't love what I am studying, because I do (except for policy omfg). I still want to be a social worker and I still want my degree, but I am starting to think this year might be a wash. I can't concentrate on anything, and I already put off my first placement. Now apparently I should have heard about my second placement by now but I haven't so I had to email them to remind them I got permission to do the second placement without the first, given by the program coordinator who said he wasn't worried about me because dammit, I'm awesome. I don't know what do to. It's all...*sigh* I need my student loan, which is the only reason I stayed enrolled at all. If I can't concentrate enough to study, and yet I can't really drop out, what the ever livin' fuck can I do, eh?

Part of me wants to quit and go study the rest of my degree in Ireland or something. But I love the people here. Hrrnnnggghhhh. And I did love the city, but it's gone now.

Fuck it all. Fuck this earthquake. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck motherfucking fuck fuck fuck. Can it be December now so I can go see my mommy?
artemisofluna: (Photography~Love Will Tear Us Apart)
( Jul. 13th, 2011 12:52 am)
Semester 2 has started and already I have had a class cancelled because the university just didn't figure out the class venue in time. I can't deal well with this. I miss the Social Work building. It was a safe and familiar place. Being in a different room every time and not knowing where classes are or when until an hour before is nerve-wracking and I am a person who likes constancy and normalcy. I have anxiety disorders. These things are important.

It might just be that I am still sick and overly tired, but I don't want to go back at all. And it's not that I don't love what I am studying, because I do (except for policy omfg). I still want to be a social worker and I still want my degree, but I am starting to think this year might be a wash. I can't concentrate on anything, and I already put off my first placement. Now apparently I should have heard about my second placement by now but I haven't so I had to email them to remind them I got permission to do the second placement without the first, given by the program coordinator who said he wasn't worried about me because dammit, I'm awesome. I don't know what do to. It's all...*sigh* I need my student loan, which is the only reason I stayed enrolled at all. If I can't concentrate enough to study, and yet I can't really drop out, what the ever livin' fuck can I do, eh?

Part of me wants to quit and go study the rest of my degree in Ireland or something. But I love the people here. Hrrnnnggghhhh. And I did love the city, but it's gone now.

Fuck it all. Fuck this earthquake. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck motherfucking fuck fuck fuck. Can it be December now so I can go see my mommy?
artemisofluna: (Fran AAUUUGGHHHH)
( Jun. 9th, 2011 02:02 pm)
WHY CAN'T I THINK OF A SOCIAL POLICY ISSUE TO WRITE AN ESSAY ABOUT?!

Oh right, because social policy is about as interesting as watching paint dry.

I could write about mental health or homelessness again, but I don't know if that is too broad and I would need to narrow it down. I could do biculturalism as well, but I am quite tired of writing essays on Puao-te-ata-tu even if I think it's quite an impressive piece of social policy work.

Oh my god, even this entry is boring. Shit on a stick.

Have an article. Margaret Thatcher refuses to meet with Sarah Palin. You know, Thatcher, I am not a fan of you. That's...putting it lightly. But lol.
artemisofluna: (Fran AAUUUGGHHHH)
( Jun. 9th, 2011 02:02 pm)
WHY CAN'T I THINK OF A SOCIAL POLICY ISSUE TO WRITE AN ESSAY ABOUT?!

Oh right, because social policy is about as interesting as watching paint dry.

I could write about mental health or homelessness again, but I don't know if that is too broad and I would need to narrow it down. I could do biculturalism as well, but I am quite tired of writing essays on Puao-te-ata-tu even if I think it's quite an impressive piece of social policy work.

Oh my god, even this entry is boring. Shit on a stick.

Have an article. Margaret Thatcher refuses to meet with Sarah Palin. You know, Thatcher, I am not a fan of you. That's...putting it lightly. But lol.
artemisofluna: (Vader I love Fett)
( Jun. 8th, 2011 11:07 pm)
♣ Woke up every time the kitties sneezed last night. They are doing heaps better today though, but Echo had one coughing fit (compared to the dozens she was having a day, this is awesome) and Helios still sounds like a croaky boy when he purrs half the time, but Ariadne seems to be just fine.

♣ Worked more on what seems like the spreadsheet that WILL.NOT.DIE for my mother. Wonder why it was sent to me in the first place if it wasn't...like...correct. (Note this isn't my mother's fault, it's the fault of the person who built the spreadsheet. And since spreadsheets are boring, no one cares)

♣ Slept all day because of disturbed night sleep.

♣ Drank apple pie tea. OMGteagasm.

♣ Echo is the cutest, tiny kitten IN THE WORLD.

♣ Didn't even look at RPGs today. Wonder why I agree to do action plots when I hate action and cannot write it. Though the reason I didn't look was lack of time, not motivation.

♣ Instead of looking at RPGs now, I will look at my STUPID ESSAY due on Monday.

♣ Made quesadillas. Yum.

♣ I wish Social Policy Essays would die :D
artemisofluna: (Vader I love Fett)
( Jun. 8th, 2011 11:07 pm)
♣ Woke up every time the kitties sneezed last night. They are doing heaps better today though, but Echo had one coughing fit (compared to the dozens she was having a day, this is awesome) and Helios still sounds like a croaky boy when he purrs half the time, but Ariadne seems to be just fine.

♣ Worked more on what seems like the spreadsheet that WILL.NOT.DIE for my mother. Wonder why it was sent to me in the first place if it wasn't...like...correct. (Note this isn't my mother's fault, it's the fault of the person who built the spreadsheet. And since spreadsheets are boring, no one cares)

♣ Slept all day because of disturbed night sleep.

♣ Drank apple pie tea. OMGteagasm.

♣ Echo is the cutest, tiny kitten IN THE WORLD.

♣ Didn't even look at RPGs today. Wonder why I agree to do action plots when I hate action and cannot write it. Though the reason I didn't look was lack of time, not motivation.

♣ Instead of looking at RPGs now, I will look at my STUPID ESSAY due on Monday.

♣ Made quesadillas. Yum.

♣ I wish Social Policy Essays would die :D
artemisofluna: (ST:TNG~Crusher will drink your brains!)
( May. 31st, 2011 07:28 am)
I've been sleeping better, and when I woke up with a funny feeling throat thanks to the cold I am developing, I didn't panic. Which is awesomely amazing. First time.

Yesterday I had class which went really well, except that I was 40 minutes late. Why? I walked to the vet to get a flea treatment for the new kitten, Echo. But when I had printed out my assignment, I had taken my wallet out of my bag to get my student ID to write it on the cover sheet. I did this at home, so at least I didn't leave my wallet somewhere public, but it wasn't in my bag at the vet's. :|. I had been planning on taking the bus from there to uni to turn in my medical withdrawal form and turn in my assignment with plenty of time to get to class. Except then I had to walk home. And then the bus was late. And then it stopped to let about 500 kids on, which is fine as that is what a bus is for, but they were stupid kids and took forever to wrestle before boarding the bus and then struggling to find their own wallets. And then the student services office had moved. And then I got lost trying to find it. And then I had to cross campus to turn in my assignment. And then the bus to the Dovedale campus took forever too. So yes. Late. But I didn't panic then either. Hurrah.

Today I have a meeting with Anxiety Support Canterbury. I am going to discuss counselling and group with work them. And I am not anxious about the meeting at all. I can't even describe how that feels.

So instead I am about to post 25 photos of kittens. Yesterday the sun was streaming in and since my flash is as bright as a thousand suns and washes everything out, I decided to take photos of the cats with natural light so people could see what they really looked like. And then the photos looked amazing. So I took like...150. Shut up, these are freaking gorgeous. The cats and the pictures ;)

You should be glad there are only 25... )
artemisofluna: (ST:TNG~Crusher will drink your brains!)
( May. 31st, 2011 07:28 am)
I've been sleeping better, and when I woke up with a funny feeling throat thanks to the cold I am developing, I didn't panic. Which is awesomely amazing. First time.

Yesterday I had class which went really well, except that I was 40 minutes late. Why? I walked to the vet to get a flea treatment for the new kitten, Echo. But when I had printed out my assignment, I had taken my wallet out of my bag to get my student ID to write it on the cover sheet. I did this at home, so at least I didn't leave my wallet somewhere public, but it wasn't in my bag at the vet's. :|. I had been planning on taking the bus from there to uni to turn in my medical withdrawal form and turn in my assignment with plenty of time to get to class. Except then I had to walk home. And then the bus was late. And then it stopped to let about 500 kids on, which is fine as that is what a bus is for, but they were stupid kids and took forever to wrestle before boarding the bus and then struggling to find their own wallets. And then the student services office had moved. And then I got lost trying to find it. And then I had to cross campus to turn in my assignment. And then the bus to the Dovedale campus took forever too. So yes. Late. But I didn't panic then either. Hurrah.

Today I have a meeting with Anxiety Support Canterbury. I am going to discuss counselling and group with work them. And I am not anxious about the meeting at all. I can't even describe how that feels.

So instead I am about to post 25 photos of kittens. Yesterday the sun was streaming in and since my flash is as bright as a thousand suns and washes everything out, I decided to take photos of the cats with natural light so people could see what they really looked like. And then the photos looked amazing. So I took like...150. Shut up, these are freaking gorgeous. The cats and the pictures ;)

You should be glad there are only 25... )
artemisofluna: (Noir~Scarlet Woman)
( May. 29th, 2011 05:56 pm)
I have three assignments due in the next two weeks, but I have just finished one. My case study (easy peasy) is due on Friday and it is only 2,000 words. I just wrote 1,00 rambly words on service users and blah de blah for social policy. And then I have a 3,000-3,500 word essay on more social policy stuff and I cannot possibly express how bland I find social policy. But oh god. OH GOD.

My mouth is feeling slightly dry again today, but I think it's actually just because I'm having an off day and I am feeling a little (I just typed 'Littleton'...) anxious and depressed. And I think I am getting dear Alison's cold, though it could just be allergies!

I think the kitten is going to be named Echo. If you saw her, you would know why. She's a runty little thing. She needs a small name. And she is not stately. So something grandiose just doesn't fit. Echo or Clio, though I am now 99% sure it's Echo. I'll sleep on it, though feel free to weigh in there! I like opinions! She is adorable though. Every once in a while she just darts over and jumps up for a cuddle. She's perfect.

Tomorrow I have to remember to pick up a flea treatment from the vet for the new kitten, drop off my essay, hand in my form for withdrawing from my placement (asking why it has taken this long will only result in me ranting your ear off, so I would advise against it) and then going to class from 4:10 until 7. And THEN stuffing my face full of curry. Must remember to go to an ATM some time tomorrow too. Need cash for Indian foods.

I actually wrote today too. Not just essay stuff. It was wonderful. ...oh right. I should eat dinner. You know, if my appetite could return to me full time, that'd be nice too. :|
artemisofluna: (Noir~Scarlet Woman)
( May. 29th, 2011 05:56 pm)
I have three assignments due in the next two weeks, but I have just finished one. My case study (easy peasy) is due on Friday and it is only 2,000 words. I just wrote 1,00 rambly words on service users and blah de blah for social policy. And then I have a 3,000-3,500 word essay on more social policy stuff and I cannot possibly express how bland I find social policy. But oh god. OH GOD.

My mouth is feeling slightly dry again today, but I think it's actually just because I'm having an off day and I am feeling a little (I just typed 'Littleton'...) anxious and depressed. And I think I am getting dear Alison's cold, though it could just be allergies!

I think the kitten is going to be named Echo. If you saw her, you would know why. She's a runty little thing. She needs a small name. And she is not stately. So something grandiose just doesn't fit. Echo or Clio, though I am now 99% sure it's Echo. I'll sleep on it, though feel free to weigh in there! I like opinions! She is adorable though. Every once in a while she just darts over and jumps up for a cuddle. She's perfect.

Tomorrow I have to remember to pick up a flea treatment from the vet for the new kitten, drop off my essay, hand in my form for withdrawing from my placement (asking why it has taken this long will only result in me ranting your ear off, so I would advise against it) and then going to class from 4:10 until 7. And THEN stuffing my face full of curry. Must remember to go to an ATM some time tomorrow too. Need cash for Indian foods.

I actually wrote today too. Not just essay stuff. It was wonderful. ...oh right. I should eat dinner. You know, if my appetite could return to me full time, that'd be nice too. :|
artemisofluna: (SPN~Carry on my wayward son)
( Apr. 29th, 2011 11:54 am)

Ljapp is awesome.  I am writing an entry on the bus!  There is a carnival set up on my bus route and I don't know why anyone would want to be on the top of a Ferris wheel right now! I am afraid of heights anyway, but imagine an aftershock up there!  They have one of those round swing things too. Yikes.

Oh my stars and garters.  This group of boys on the bus just farted on each other in front of me. And I can smell it. See without Ljapp you would have missed out on that tidbit ...Oh god they did it again!

Anyway!  Had my meeting with my course coordinator.  He said I had kept them informed so now their job is to work things out for me.  I think I am going to stay in my classes and just repeat the placement first semester next year. At this point I will stay in my second placement in July.

I appreciate so much that they're being wonderful and understanding. It's calming me down at least in regards to that. And my course coordinator has a very calming presence anyway!

Now to go home where there are no farty boys, and try to have a better day than yesterday.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

artemisofluna: (SPN~Carry on my wayward son)
( Apr. 29th, 2011 11:54 am)

Ljapp is awesome.  I am writing an entry on the bus!  There is a carnival set up on my bus route and I don't know why anyone would want to be on the top of a Ferris wheel right now! I am afraid of heights anyway, but imagine an aftershock up there!  They have one of those round swing things too. Yikes.

Oh my stars and garters.  This group of boys on the bus just farted on each other in front of me. And I can smell it. See without Ljapp you would have missed out on that tidbit ...Oh god they did it again!

Anyway!  Had my meeting with my course coordinator.  He said I had kept them informed so now their job is to work things out for me.  I think I am going to stay in my classes and just repeat the placement first semester next year. At this point I will stay in my second placement in July.

I appreciate so much that they're being wonderful and understanding. It's calming me down at least in regards to that. And my course coordinator has a very calming presence anyway!

Now to go home where there are no farty boys, and try to have a better day than yesterday.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

artemisofluna: (Photography~Autumn Sadness)
( Feb. 25th, 2011 01:21 pm)
Still no running water, though people on this side of town are starting to get it back so this gives me hope we'll have it soon. Our stores are still going strong though. We even have five bottles of our original stash left, and we've been boiling up the stuff we got from across the road. I am so glad it's there so we can replace what we've been using. If this goes on much longer we would have run out and we stockpiled water like mad. It just goes to show that even when you do prepare, sometimes it's not enough.

So. Guys. If you can? Have emergency kits. Even if you live in a place where you think they won't be necessary. We used to think they weren't absolutely necessary here even though we had one, because the dangerous fault lines were in Wellington and on the West Coast, not in Christchurch. And then a previously unknown fault ruptured. You just never know. If you're someone who can afford an emergency kit (and please know I completely understand that not everyone can), it's responsible to have one. It means emergency rations of food provided by whatever disaster relief happens to be around can go to the people who can't afford to have an emergency kit in a disaster and who need it far more, instead of getting used up on people who should and could have been more careful. It's just goddamn socially responsible, okay? It's caring about your fellow human beings while taking care of yourself too.

Put some tinned food and toilet paper and no-wash anti-bacterial hand cleaner and batteries and flashlights/torches and candles and matches and blankets and anything else you think you might need (including pet food) in your kit. And keep clean water around and replace it often (use the old stuff to water the garden or wash the car or...something). Hell, in Melbourne a couple of years ago, some kind of plant exploded and it left part of the city without electricity and running water for days and that was just a random malfunction without any natural disaster cause. So be prepared. Please. Be as prepared as you can be. The ability to have extra food lying around in case of an emergency is a luxury and if you can, please just do it.

Sorry. Preachy. But I can tell you first-hand how important this is. Never assume this doesn't apply to you. Be safe, lovelies. Gosh, this isn't even what I came here to do. I was going to talk about how I can't write fiction because it feels so utterly useless at the moment. And I got on my soapbox instead. Oh well.
artemisofluna: (Photography~Autumn Sadness)
( Feb. 25th, 2011 01:21 pm)
Still no running water, though people on this side of town are starting to get it back so this gives me hope we'll have it soon. Our stores are still going strong though. We even have five bottles of our original stash left, and we've been boiling up the stuff we got from across the road. I am so glad it's there so we can replace what we've been using. If this goes on much longer we would have run out and we stockpiled water like mad. It just goes to show that even when you do prepare, sometimes it's not enough.

So. Guys. If you can? Have emergency kits. Even if you live in a place where you think they won't be necessary. We used to think they weren't absolutely necessary here even though we had one, because the dangerous fault lines were in Wellington and on the West Coast, not in Christchurch. And then a previously unknown fault ruptured. You just never know. If you're someone who can afford an emergency kit (and please know I completely understand that not everyone can), it's responsible to have one. It means emergency rations of food provided by whatever disaster relief happens to be around can go to the people who can't afford to have an emergency kit in a disaster and who need it far more, instead of getting used up on people who should and could have been more careful. It's just goddamn socially responsible, okay? It's caring about your fellow human beings while taking care of yourself too.

Put some tinned food and toilet paper and no-wash anti-bacterial hand cleaner and batteries and flashlights/torches and candles and matches and blankets and anything else you think you might need (including pet food) in your kit. And keep clean water around and replace it often (use the old stuff to water the garden or wash the car or...something). Hell, in Melbourne a couple of years ago, some kind of plant exploded and it left part of the city without electricity and running water for days and that was just a random malfunction without any natural disaster cause. So be prepared. Please. Be as prepared as you can be. The ability to have extra food lying around in case of an emergency is a luxury and if you can, please just do it.

Sorry. Preachy. But I can tell you first-hand how important this is. Never assume this doesn't apply to you. Be safe, lovelies. Gosh, this isn't even what I came here to do. I was going to talk about how I can't write fiction because it feels so utterly useless at the moment. And I got on my soapbox instead. Oh well.
I used to spend my life in my high school theatre. There were days I could be at school from 8 in the morning until 9-10 at night. I didn't drive until I was 21 because instead of taking driver's ed, I was doing everything I possibly could in that theatre. I ate, slept and breathed that place.

When I was in my final year of high school and I was on my way to rehearsal when I saw a little girl in the hallway behind the theatre, crying. She was about eight and I went over to her to ask what was wrong. She said her mother was supposed to pick her up a half an hour before that (why she was being picked up at a high school when she was 8, I still do not know) and she was scared that her mother had been in a car accident. I asked if her mother had a cell phone and she nodded, so I led the poor girl through to the speech office so she could try calling her mother.

When there was no answer, and the girl started crying again, I told her we should go out to where she was supposed to be picked up and I would wait with her.

I ended up waiting with her for nearly 45 minutes. I kept her calmer than she probably would have been by talking about stupid things and telling her ridiculous stories about myself and my very strange friends. Her mother eventually came by and the girl hugged me and they went on their way. I have no idea why the mother was late, or what happened, but I never saw the girl again and I don't remember her name.

What I do remember, was that I was late to my rehearsal. I knew I would be, and since one of the advantages of my crazy brain is that it traps things inside its cage of memory, I had the entire play memorized already so I figured it would be okay. The director wasn't pleased however, and he informed me of this. I told him I had been waiting with a scared, little girl, and he asked me why that was my responsibility.

You know...if that's how you think, then I guess it wasn't. My responsibility was to my cast mates and my director and despite the fact that I was never late before and always went above and beyond to help and be do whatever I could to move the production forward, I was still late this time and that had inconvenienced people. I still feel like the right thing to do was to stay with the poor girl. What about my responsibility to help out another human being; to care for someone who was scared and alone? If I had been that scared little girl, I would hope someone would have extended the same kindness to me. I just apologized and we got on with it, but I never really forgot that.

I'm not someone who can pass people by. Which is why I am the one who ends up sitting with the homeless person on the street who passed out and hit their head on the pavement so hard they are bleeding into their eyes, while they wait (for over an hour) for the ambulance to come. The amount of people who walked by that day, averting their eyes so they didn't have to see, makes me feel ashamed. I don't ever want to be that kind of person. It's why I'm doing what I'm doing, despite the fact that I am not okay. The helping people is as natural as breathing. It's not going out of my way, because helping people is my way. It's everything else that's the problem. Forcing myself to leave my home, when it's the only place that I feel safe. Forcing myself to talk to people, even though I'm terrified of it. All that functioning as if I don't panic about every little thing, that's the hard part. It makes me feel like I have no right to act like I could actually help. I feel barely human. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But I won't. I can't. I'm taking responsibility. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
I used to spend my life in my high school theatre. There were days I could be at school from 8 in the morning until 9-10 at night. I didn't drive until I was 21 because instead of taking driver's ed, I was doing everything I possibly could in that theatre. I ate, slept and breathed that place.

When I was in my final year of high school and I was on my way to rehearsal when I saw a little girl in the hallway behind the theatre, crying. She was about eight and I went over to her to ask what was wrong. She said her mother was supposed to pick her up a half an hour before that (why she was being picked up at a high school when she was 8, I still do not know) and she was scared that her mother had been in a car accident. I asked if her mother had a cell phone and she nodded, so I led the poor girl through to the speech office so she could try calling her mother.

When there was no answer, and the girl started crying again, I told her we should go out to where she was supposed to be picked up and I would wait with her.

I ended up waiting with her for nearly 45 minutes. I kept her calmer than she probably would have been by talking about stupid things and telling her ridiculous stories about myself and my very strange friends. Her mother eventually came by and the girl hugged me and they went on their way. I have no idea why the mother was late, or what happened, but I never saw the girl again and I don't remember her name.

What I do remember, was that I was late to my rehearsal. I knew I would be, and since one of the advantages of my crazy brain is that it traps things inside its cage of memory, I had the entire play memorized already so I figured it would be okay. The director wasn't pleased however, and he informed me of this. I told him I had been waiting with a scared, little girl, and he asked me why that was my responsibility.

You know...if that's how you think, then I guess it wasn't. My responsibility was to my cast mates and my director and despite the fact that I was never late before and always went above and beyond to help and be do whatever I could to move the production forward, I was still late this time and that had inconvenienced people. I still feel like the right thing to do was to stay with the poor girl. What about my responsibility to help out another human being; to care for someone who was scared and alone? If I had been that scared little girl, I would hope someone would have extended the same kindness to me. I just apologized and we got on with it, but I never really forgot that.

I'm not someone who can pass people by. Which is why I am the one who ends up sitting with the homeless person on the street who passed out and hit their head on the pavement so hard they are bleeding into their eyes, while they wait (for over an hour) for the ambulance to come. The amount of people who walked by that day, averting their eyes so they didn't have to see, makes me feel ashamed. I don't ever want to be that kind of person. It's why I'm doing what I'm doing, despite the fact that I am not okay. The helping people is as natural as breathing. It's not going out of my way, because helping people is my way. It's everything else that's the problem. Forcing myself to leave my home, when it's the only place that I feel safe. Forcing myself to talk to people, even though I'm terrified of it. All that functioning as if I don't panic about every little thing, that's the hard part. It makes me feel like I have no right to act like I could actually help. I feel barely human. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But I won't. I can't. I'm taking responsibility. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
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