It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

My name is Lara. I love Joy Division, which is totally the most important thing about me. You should also know I am quite sarcastic without having a firm understanding of sarcasm. True story.

I was born in Seattle, Washington, grew up in Kalispell, Montana (AKA HELL), moved to Melbourne Australia in 2003, and Christchurch New Zealand in 2010. I studied half a Bachelor of Fine Arts~Theatre Studies in University before switching to German so I could study abroad in Vienna (2001). Hence, I have studied English, German and Latin at a University level.

I am currently studying a Postgraduate Diploma of Social Work at the University of Canterbury in Christchurch, New Zealand while living in a flat affectionately known as the Lesbian Flat of Doom, with my friends _honeyspider and phfa and my cats, Ariadne and Echo and Alison's cat, Helios (they don't have LJs, they're not old enough yet), all of whom I love dearly.

I'll add anyone to my f-list if they ask, so feel free! I spend most of my time writing, talking about writing, or thinking about writing while watching Most Haunted or something Tim Minchin, Hugh Jackman or Dylan Moran related. Or singing. I love singing, and I'm actually good, which tends to help! I can play the flute and the piccolo, the guitar and the ukulele, and I used to play the viola but then I sold it to a 3-fingered man. True story.

( A very important thing to know, is that I ramble. So there is more under here! )

♣ Twitter
♣ Facebook
♣ Dreamwidth
♣ Insane Journal
♣ List of Things Lara Doesn't Hold With
♣ Character List
♣ Darker London Roleplay
♣ Forgotten Strays on IJ
♣ Characters on FS
♣ Nevermore on IJ
♣ Characters on Nevermore

Slept for like 14 hours and much of that time I was having dreams of panic attacks. They felt so real I have no idea if they were real panic attacks and I just didn't wake up instead weaving them into dreams, or if they were completely dreamed ones. And when I wasn't panicking, I was dreaming about tornadoes and trying to get all my stuff and cats into a tornado shelter randomly filled with children I couldn't control. HMM, WHO IS FEELING A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL LATELY!? Thanks, subconscious, but I am already aware of that. You don't have to send me dream messages to tell me. I always get this way before I fly internationally because there's so much to arrange. HHHRRGGNNNHHH.

Dentist appointment today! Nearly vomited from stress in the waiting room because I hate being judged and I had to write down on the form that I haven't been to a dentist in years. Turned out to be just fine. I said going in that I am a student and can't afford how expensive the dentist is and other than a little Look, the guy was lovely and not-judgey. Though to keep myself calm before I went in, I was quoting Ed Byrne on dentists in my head. "How much of a shit do THEY give about teeth!?" Oh, Ed. I love thee.

Then I walked into town so I could see Cashel Street mall. I was on Cashel Street (though the other end of it) when the Feb quake happened and going back there nearly sent me panicking, but I decided to go anyway. The place was basically levelled in February but they have sent up shops in shipping containers and it was...basically awesome. I have photos which I'll post later. The only thing about it that I didn't like was when I was walking down Colombo Street and I coughed, the city was so empty that my cough echoed and that was just UNCOOL. But Cashel Street totally made up for it. This city...just...<3

Now I am too tired to do anything else I planned today. Stupid fatigue. So I will watch How I Met Your Mother until I have to make dinner and then fall into bed again. But I did dentistry and shopping and I ate Thai food which was all kinds of awesome. So I'm calling today a win, even if there WAS a largeish aftershock when I was on the third floor of a building in the city.

Didn't make three meals today, but I made two! And cake. A HUGE PIECE OF CAKE. Awww yeah! Gosh cake is an amazing invention. Caaaaaake. Cake.

Alison is coming home tomorrow. I am making chili because it has been again demanded. So I will leave the house to get rolls and wine in the afternoon tomorrow. Because I believe all are needed. And then this weekend I get to try out a new cupcake recipe. It is here. I am excite!

Also I finally put in for my refund from my student loans. Because it finally got approved and finally got here. So I should get my money in the next few days. It's nearly June. But you know. WHATEVER. :| At least it's nearly here. I shouldn't complain any more, but what a freaking ordeal. This means I can spend the money I just got from working on DVDs on the interwebs. MWUAHA!

My sleep schedule is so stupidly messed up. But I have cute kitties! And I am watching Danny Bhoy and reading about Celtic mythology. <3

My mouth is finally getting back to normal, which means it isn't drying out at every opportunity so I have to stay up all night with a water bottle in my face, dripping it on my tongue. And that isn't an exaggeration, I actually did that. Dry mouth is like...one of the worst things I have ever experienced, physically. It was worse than asthma because it made my tongue all huge and I couldn't talk right and that freaked me out so I had anxiety attacks and couldn't breathe anyway. And my mouth hurt because it dried out if I didn't drink water constantly. And I was always aware of it. It's still the tiniest bit dry, but nothing like it has been, and my tongue feels like it fits in my face now.

YOU ALL NEEDED TO KNOW THESE MINUTE DETAILS ABOUT ANXIETY MEDICATION SIDE EFFECTS. Okay, you probably didn't, but now you do anyway ;) And really, if that is the worst side effect they give me, I can deal. But I am saying that now because it seems to be over! It seems like such a minor thing, but oh dear GOD it was a week and a half of quite an ordeal.

Now there is chicken ceasar salad (oh god, I just ate so much of it which is so good) and Silent Hill, which is so atmospheric and the music is pretty and there are monsters and I have random threads to start in FS and the kitten is sleeping beside me. I feel happy and warm and loved and lucky. And calm. I feel calm.

Thank everything for that.

Now I just have to start eating more again. I still have no appetite, which bothers me. My clothes are all way too big. Like...it is impressive how much weight I lost in two weeks (yes, I am not pleased about this). So tomorrow I am going to eat three meals. I know, right? I CAN DO THIS!

Quick public service announcement: I will defend the people I care about if they are insulted or threatened in front of me. That's what I do. It comes from witnessing violence in my home growing up. I don't deal well with verbal abuse because of this, and I will point it out. That is all.

Anyway, I finished the fifth season of Dexter in like three days. I consume that show like very few other shows. I never want to stop watching it. I would watch it...pretty much constantly, if that were possible. I don't know what it is about it. But the fifth season, without being spoilery, was my favourite, I think. I loved the relationships that developed and the way they panned out. I loved it all. I am so bummed there isn't any more yet. It's just done so well.

And I think my fascination with it might make me kind of sick, but WHATEVER, IT'S AWESOME! And fictional.

...and I don't write deeply disturbing fiction sometimes. No. I'm just fine. *fidgets* ;)

I had a good week, but two hours ago panic flared up again. It's to be expected, as I haven't been taking the meds for long and they can't fix everything right away. Today the panic attacks were caused by a combination of a bit of dry mouth (thanks, meds) and http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms/tongue-symptoms.shtml <---that. Though finding out it is indeed a symptom does help. I've had this 'my tongue feels huge and stupid' feelings on and off since I started having these panic attacks so I knew it wasn't an allergic reaction to something. Once again I feel a little better now that I know it's just my anxiety causing my anxiety. Like the http://www.npadnews.com/anxiety-symptoms.asp#swallowing difficulty swallowing I am STILL having when I get worked up.

Blah. I'm tired now, but I'll be fine. I'm feeling calmer and my tongue doesn't feel frozen and huge any more, at least not all the time. Just on and off.

The brain is a weird thing. Just...really, really weird. But I drank coffee and wham, anxious. Curse you, blessed caffeine.

So Ariadne got out a few weeks ago and since it was a warm day we just let her hang out and we left the doors open. Then she started scratching a lot. Cue me panicking about fleas everywhere and infestations and never ever being clean again ever. So I took her to the vet today and the vet looked at her, said she had a very mild case of fleas and that I should calm down. I like it when professional people tell me to calm down. It's useful!

So I got treatments for her and Helios the kitten (just in case!) and I got told to just vacuum and it would be fine.

I should know better than to look things up on the internet :|

That being said, today is the first day I haven't had a panic attack. And I feel relatively calm and happy. More so, now that I know my house isn't flea-infested. This might be because I am getting over my cold and when the panic doesn't come out of nowhere, it tends to be set off by cold symptoms, or it could be meds starting to work.

The counsellor I saw helped me decide for sure to drop my placement and do it again next year when things aren't (hopefully) so up in the air. But she was otherwise unhelpful and she kind of seemed confused as to what I wanted her to do. (COUNSEL ME!) So I might look for someone else, which is a bummer, since the Uni ones are free.

If this calm mood continues, maybe I'll actually get some WRITING done. I've been too on edge to concentrate on anything for longer than five minutes until today.

I don't think it's fair that I am having major allergy issues/a cold while I am trying to fix my anxiety issues but oh well.

( Cut for anxiety issue chat. Could be triggering for fellow phobic-anxiety sufferers )

You guys. I am such a- *headdesk*

Yesterday I finally bought another wrist brace because my entire right arm has been killing me lately. Repetitive strain injury (easy, tiger) from using the computer too much. So either stop (LOL!) or replace the brace I left in the US. It now takes me forever to type anything, but my fingers don't hurt. Or...well-

I am accident prone. I spent 98% of my life feeling distinctly dizzy and slightly unable to control my body. The only way I can really describe it is that it feels like I am a smaller person that ends a few inches before my body actually does, so I am unaware of where the edges of me are, and I always take a little longer to respond to stimuli externally than internally because I have no control over that few inches of me (yes I know how weird that sounds, but try experiencing it). Blood sugar problems are awesome. I fall over a lot. I run into things CONSTANTLY (my old workplace got so used to me saying 'ow' they sent ME to be the first aid person so the other one could stop thinking they had to help me every other hour). It's a good thing I don't generally bruise visibly or I would be covered in the things.

In the past week I tried to jump off the sofa to stop the cat from going out a window. I got headspin and slammed to the floor in full view of both housemates who were horrified. I cackled madly and then still caught the cat (BOOYAH). I burned three fingers on my left hand badly yesterday while cooking corn. They still hurt, but they didn't blister.

Today I was trying to get a cranefly out of the bathroom so I could take a shower. I was trying to splash water on it to get it to go out the window, and I gave it an overhand watertoss. I slammed my hand full-speed into the shower curtain rod. Oh my god the pain. They are actually already bruising and they still hurt a great deal, especially when I bend them (typing is FUN). And then, while stepping into the bath, my foot slid out and I almost fell into it. I stood there with one foot in the bath and one out of it, cackling madly because it was laugh or cry.

You're allowed to laugh too. It was hilarious.

Yesterday I woke up and it was hard to breathe. Why, say you? Because apparently my body decided what would add to the happiness of this traumatic event was getting sick. And because my nose was blocked and I was sleeping with my mouth open and my throat was sore, ...wait for it... my uvula swelled up to three times it's normal size. It was so big I couldn't talk. I am not exaggerating. It was so freakish I thought I was dreaming at first and had to convince myself I was awake.

It panicked me, but thankfully I seem to be resourceful even when being sure I was about to choke on my own mouth (and I kept imagining people would be like 'yeah she was fine after the earthquake, but then she choked on herself). I took anti-inflammatory pills and then looked up swollen uvulas online. Apparently they're not that rare, but I have never felt anything like it. It said to eat something cold so I ate a popsicle and then booked in a doctor's appointment. By the time I left the house the swelling was down, but my throat still hurt quite bad.

It took me two hours to get from my house to the campus health centre. It should only take about a half an hour, but the traffic and the waiting and augh. And then the doctor told me I was fine, I just had a cold and she told me to get anti-inflammatory spray from the chemist. I think I asked her 75 questions, including "how the hell does this even happen" and she was very patient and calmed me down.

I think it was best that I was forced to leave the house. Nothing bad happened. Now I know I can leave the house without the city falling down. I'm a little less traumatised. Of course, now I'm sick. :|

I had a dream that had boiling water and falling down houses and blarrrr. The aftershocks are still scary and big and yuck.