It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

Today was actually lovely, despite my sincere hate for the day. I have always hated Thanksgiving. I used to get sick on it every year and my mother used to say my body was objecting to the holiday as much as my mind was. But it was nice to be with family I haven't seen in years, including my nephew Sean who is like 12 feet tall now, I swear. Even my step-sister who can be a Sourface McFussypants was in pleasant spirits. She actually seemed interested in my life. SHOCKER. And my nieces were good, amusing fun as always.

Then I came back online and found out my former boss, Doreen, passed away today. I worked under her in Australia and we had our ups and downs, but that was because she knew I was capable of awesomeness. So when I wasn't being awesome, she informed me. And bless her for it. When I said I might want to move, she supported me every single step of the way. She helped me apply, she sent a glowing letter of recommendation along, she checked in with me every day to see how I was doing with the decision since it was a pretty big one... She let Lewi and me housesit while she was on vacation once so we could get out of his parents house for a week. She treated me like I mattered and frankly, sometimes in Australia I needed to know that since Lewi and only a few others ever did. And she had no reason to go out of her way for me. She just did. She was a damn classy lady. I am so sad to know I'll never see her again. Not only was she classy, she was hilarious and fun.

When I got accepted to University of Canterbury, she cried and hugged me. She made everyone applaud me when I left. She made work feel like a second home. She was amazing and she will be so missed.

Still in Frisco airport. I gave up on my cousin and then I ate fish and chips. And now I feel sick because my body is like "you asshat, I want sleep not food. WTF is wrong with you!?" So that's nice! I am going to inform the flight attendant that if I pass out, it's because I have post-viral fatigue and it is not, in fact, a medical emergency.

I haven't lived in the US for eight years and despite being a waitress for seven years before that, I forgot how to tip. I DID tip, because I never wouldn't here in the US. But it's not a thing in Australia and NZ. So the server gave me the credit card slip and I panicked and had to ask her how to write in the tip. She kindly showed me the place where is said TIP in big letters. *sigh* I also forgot you get water in the US whether you order it or not, so I ended up with three drinks. I am full of coffee, lemonade and fish.

I also tried to plug my laptop into the powerpoint here three times before realising I have an Australian plug and it wasn't going to fit in the American holes without my converter which is in my checked baggage. I am so far gone, it's ridic.

Then I got back onto LJ, plugless, and I read this on Kyle Cassidy's blog. Some jerk had a sick cat so they just put it outside. It was found half-dead in a gutter. I can't believe people. I AM SO CHEERY RIGHT NOW! I am a ball of delight.

*giggles* Ball.

Anyway, donate if you can, rage at inhumane jerkfaces if you can't.

The past few days have been eventful. First, I got Echo a collar and decided she could go outside, since she doesn't just hide under the porch and refuse to come out like certain tortoiseshell cats I know. Her first day outside and she gets stung in the throat by a bee. It swells up to gigantic proportions and I have to take her to an afterhours vet which costs a heck of a lot of money. So guess who gets to stay inside for a little while now. :| Not happy.

The other night I woke myself up screaming! I had been having ghost nightmares all night, but the one I woke up from and finally decided to just stay up involved a room in the basement of my childhood home. But the room was Evil. And we were hanging around outside it, who knows why. One of the cats wandered in and Leah decided she didn't like him in there and she was going to get him out. I watched from the door frame and this random doll was running around to be freaky. Dolls terrify me. And she handed the cat to me but she didn't follow. I went back for her, calling her name. I found her in the corner, staring dead-eyed up at a ghost who had taken her form but twisted and terrifying. And the Leah-ghost turned towards me and rushed me. When Leah-ghost was a centimetre from my face, that's when I woke up screaming. Not.Awesome. Unless it was in a movie. Then really awesome.

Went to the doctor to renew my prescription and complain that I am still tired. I explained that I had even slept about 10 hours last night and woke up feeling like I do when I travel and don't sleep for two days. So tomorrow I have to have MORE tests done. Joy of joys. She said now it's probably just post-virus fatigue, but she wants to rule everything out.

Me? I just want to sleep for like...days. Humph.

But I did get a 1949 edition of Chaucer's Poetical Works in stunning condition from the Uni bookstore's used books shelf for incredibly cheap. It's so beautiful, I want to marry it.

Went to doctor. Came home. Slept 8 hours. Woke up for about five. Slept fourteen hours. Was awake for maybe six. Slept sixteen hours. Still tired. Hrrggghhh. I want to DO THINGS, BODY! Sleeping is boring, my giddy aunt. I want to finish rearranging my room and I want to write things and ...do stuff! But no. Sleep. Sleep is all I do.

Pttthhhlllttthh.

I feel weird today. Just off. Things have been better, anxiety-wise, the past few days. And now I feel off again. The silver lining is that I don't feel full-on panicky. Though that is why it took me a little while to realise it was anxiety and not being actually sick!

This is what our central city looks like. Still.

http://eqstreetcam.co.nz/1001100170

If you click on play, it'll take you through all the streets. It's horrible.

I don't think it's fair that I am having major allergy issues/a cold while I am trying to fix my anxiety issues but oh well.

( Cut for anxiety issue chat. Could be triggering for fellow phobic-anxiety sufferers )

My family friends and acquaintances in Japan are fine, as far as I know. My friend in Hawaii is fine too. He lives very close to the beach, but when he went to stay at his grandmother's in the middle of the island to keep away from the surge.

Now I just hope my California/Washington/Oregon people are okay.

I haven't slept. I boiled water and watched Most Haunted and read news reports and panicked.

I'm just so exhausted. The earthquake hasn't stopped affecting us here, and the damage was pretty localised. It's been quite a long time and things are nowhere near back to normal and won't be for ages. But when I look at what's happening in Japan...

Just. Fuck.

Yesterday I woke up and it was hard to breathe. Why, say you? Because apparently my body decided what would add to the happiness of this traumatic event was getting sick. And because my nose was blocked and I was sleeping with my mouth open and my throat was sore, ...wait for it... my uvula swelled up to three times it's normal size. It was so big I couldn't talk. I am not exaggerating. It was so freakish I thought I was dreaming at first and had to convince myself I was awake.

It panicked me, but thankfully I seem to be resourceful even when being sure I was about to choke on my own mouth (and I kept imagining people would be like 'yeah she was fine after the earthquake, but then she choked on herself). I took anti-inflammatory pills and then looked up swollen uvulas online. Apparently they're not that rare, but I have never felt anything like it. It said to eat something cold so I ate a popsicle and then booked in a doctor's appointment. By the time I left the house the swelling was down, but my throat still hurt quite bad.

It took me two hours to get from my house to the campus health centre. It should only take about a half an hour, but the traffic and the waiting and augh. And then the doctor told me I was fine, I just had a cold and she told me to get anti-inflammatory spray from the chemist. I think I asked her 75 questions, including "how the hell does this even happen" and she was very patient and calmed me down.

I think it was best that I was forced to leave the house. Nothing bad happened. Now I know I can leave the house without the city falling down. I'm a little less traumatised. Of course, now I'm sick. :|

I had a dream that had boiling water and falling down houses and blarrrr. The aftershocks are still scary and big and yuck.

Large aftershock just knocked out the power. It was only out for like...five minutes, but that was five minutes of me panicking that it was starting all over again. And it seemed to last a lot longer. I checked the water and that was fine (thank Christ, I really didn't do well without the water), and then my fan came back on and I felt this ridiculous sense of relief.

I don't like this. This doomsday feeling that my life is on pause. Though I read that the area where my placement is might be opening back up, since it's in the inner city cordon now, but they're decreasing the cordon tomorrow. And I think they mentioned the area where my placement is. That's good because it means I might be able to go back to placement. But it's bad because it means I might be able to go back to placement and I don't know if I'm ready. On my first day all Hell broke loose. Kind of literally. Though I will probably feel this way until it happens, so maybe the sooner the better. I have to tell you, this is making my 'spend a few years in the UK after graduating and then come back to NZ' plan look all kinds of nice, even though I don't want to leave my people :(

When I do go back, I will be terrified the entire time, and it is no longer because I feel I will do a bad job. I am so beyond that now. It's because I don't want the world to fall in on me.

In other news though, I'm about to go have a sandwich. And that's a tick in the 'Good Things' column! And my head is feeling a little clearer. Maybe I can write something today that isn't historical fiction. This would please me greatly.

Also, my cat is an agent of chaos. Just so you know.