It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

Been avoiding my journal because LJ pisses me off. So here's a quick update:

Back in New Zealand. Being in the US and avoiding real life was awesome. Now I have to do actual decisions though. Calling WINZ tomorrow to look in to going on disability for chronic fatigue since I still completely crash out of nowhere and just can't do anything. Then I need to up my meds because being sick for so long is depressing and what I'm on isn't enough any more.

Also I have a cold which I am sure I got from the plane.

BUT I am back with my kitties and my housemates. They are such lovely people. I couldn't ask for better people to be with while I slog my way through this.

Once I figure out what I am doing next year, then I need to just get better. Because really? I'd like my life to continue and it feels like it has just stalled. I don't like it.

I am in the US and already I have lost my cousin. Not...dramatically. She was going to meet me in the international arrivals lounge and here I sit and I cannot find her. So, alas, I think my San Fransico Sara plans have been dealt a deathly blow.

I am so dramatic when I am sleepy. Also I was talking to my step-daddy and the stupid phone cut me off :( And my mommy isn't home to complain to. HUMPH! And today is very windy up in the skies. Both flights have been like long earthquakes. In the air. In a tube.

I slept on the plane and totally snored. Buuahaha! I also watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes twice because once I chose it and then they showed it again on the long flight where they don't have on demand. So I got to notice all the parts they edited out. Like Draco Malfoy's Tom Felton's fate. It just went black. Glad I saw it with that bit in because...uhm...yeah. Also James Franco is tasty as is Frieda Pinto.

All I can see out the window here is smog and smart carts. But it's a magical land, yo. GOD the US depresses me so much. Seriously. And no one is here yet to make it better!

EDIT: The 'welcome to the US' video they showed in customs had all these Americans going "welcome to our country" and not one of them was Native American though they seemed to work every other race of people in there (so at least it wasn't white-washed which is something). You'd think, considering it's a welcome to our country video, they should like...put some of the people who were here first in the damn video. Just a thought.

I will be 30 on Friday! I keep forgetting it's happening because I'm so tired and generally blah. But it will be lovely. There will be a fry up and probably pie since I like it more than cake. Or both. And then later in the weekend, there will be a Laura too.

Tonight there is chicken strips and lots of veggies. Also pineapple. My body is like "frruuuiiittt?!?!?!" so I am letting it have some.

I still feel torn on the whole topic of study. So I guess we'll see how it goes.

Still sleeping ALL THE TIME. And it is SO BORING. I want to do something else, but I always exhaust myself when I try. I did about four comments in FS and I had to take a three hour nap. I have never been this ridiculously tired in my life. And I am complaining about it here in an attempt to not fall asleep AGAIN. I want to stay awake so I can, oh I don't know, spend more than 5 hours today awake instead of asleep. Because so far, five hours is all I have had.

Tomorrow I finally get to go to the doctor's and get answers. Hopefully I will not fall asleep on the bus and end up on a round trip circle around the city. Actually the roads should keep me awake :| Then I am going shopping because darnit, I want things. Like cheese toastie things, not...shoes or whatnot. And then I will probably sleep for two days because of all the energy I used being out for like two hours of my life.

Waahhhmbulance!

The good part is I have books on the way, and I have Market Spice tea in the meantime. And kitties who snuggle. Even if sometimes Echo puts her nose in my mouth when attempting to snuggle my cheek. It's kind of gross.

Also she crapped in my corner today. Then Helios tried to help cover it up, but since it was on the carpet, all he did was spread it all over my wall. They're so helpful sometimes.

Totally depressed and feel like sobbing forever. Everything is crumbling and it's all very, very doomy and gloomy. Fucking earthquakes anyway.

I got tea in the mail though. Tea and also a mink blanket (it is not actually mink, it just feels like it) and more tea. So, you know. That's nice. But the blanket is black as my soul. Aaaand now I have that song in my head.

Rearranged my room last night. I set up my new bookcases and the kettle (muhahhahhaa room-kettle!) and now I just have to put the new blanket on my bed. When I have motivation to do more than just sit here and feel shitty about everything in the world ever.

The ground can stay still now, please? I have spent nearly a year writing 'stop it, Christchurch' LJ entries. They have to be as tiring to read as they are to write.

I used to spend my life in my high school theatre. There were days I could be at school from 8 in the morning until 9-10 at night. I didn't drive until I was 21 because instead of taking driver's ed, I was doing everything I possibly could in that theatre. I ate, slept and breathed that place.

When I was in my final year of high school and I was on my way to rehearsal when I saw a little girl in the hallway behind the theatre, crying. She was about eight and I went over to her to ask what was wrong. She said her mother was supposed to pick her up a half an hour before that (why she was being picked up at a high school when she was 8, I still do not know) and she was scared that her mother had been in a car accident. I asked if her mother had a cell phone and she nodded, so I led the poor girl through to the speech office so she could try calling her mother.

When there was no answer, and the girl started crying again, I told her we should go out to where she was supposed to be picked up and I would wait with her.

I ended up waiting with her for nearly 45 minutes. I kept her calmer than she probably would have been by talking about stupid things and telling her ridiculous stories about myself and my very strange friends. Her mother eventually came by and the girl hugged me and they went on their way. I have no idea why the mother was late, or what happened, but I never saw the girl again and I don't remember her name.

What I do remember, was that I was late to my rehearsal. I knew I would be, and since one of the advantages of my crazy brain is that it traps things inside its cage of memory, I had the entire play memorized already so I figured it would be okay. The director wasn't pleased however, and he informed me of this. I told him I had been waiting with a scared, little girl, and he asked me why that was my responsibility.

You know...if that's how you think, then I guess it wasn't. My responsibility was to my cast mates and my director and despite the fact that I was never late before and always went above and beyond to help and be do whatever I could to move the production forward, I was still late this time and that had inconvenienced people. I still feel like the right thing to do was to stay with the poor girl. What about my responsibility to help out another human being; to care for someone who was scared and alone? If I had been that scared little girl, I would hope someone would have extended the same kindness to me. I just apologized and we got on with it, but I never really forgot that.

I'm not someone who can pass people by. Which is why I am the one who ends up sitting with the homeless person on the street who passed out and hit their head on the pavement so hard they are bleeding into their eyes, while they wait (for over an hour) for the ambulance to come. The amount of people who walked by that day, averting their eyes so they didn't have to see, makes me feel ashamed. I don't ever want to be that kind of person. It's why I'm doing what I'm doing, despite the fact that I am not okay. The helping people is as natural as breathing. It's not going out of my way, because helping people is my way. It's everything else that's the problem. Forcing myself to leave my home, when it's the only place that I feel safe. Forcing myself to talk to people, even though I'm terrified of it. All that functioning as if I don't panic about every little thing, that's the hard part. It makes me feel like I have no right to act like I could actually help. I feel barely human. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But I won't. I can't. I'm taking responsibility. I just wish it wasn't so hard.