It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

I'm too tired to go into detail at the moment because CFS is a bitch and a half, but upping my dose of meds to deal with more than just the anxiety is the best thing I have ever done in my life.

Holy shit. How I suddenly feel is indescribable. I can cope. I am not stressing 24/7. I feel peaceful and relieved in a way I don't actually think I ever have. I didn't actually know it was possible to feel like this.

So basically? Anti-depressants are amazing. Seriously.

My house mates are currently hanging out at a Dresden Dolls soundcheck. I am so excited for them. Then they will be at the concert which I am not going to because I don't really enjoy concerts. I did go to the ninja gig yesterday though and it was awesome. My favourite part was actually talking to Hera but shhh. It was AWESOME and I got some kickass photos.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for more blood tests just to make sure everything is still okay in the face of this fatigue. Then I am sending off like 5 applications. Today my doctor upped my does of citalopram so I can fight the depression as well as the anxiety. Of course the first week after you mess with meds is always crappy. I might wait until tomorrow after I get the blood test so I don't panic about leaving the house. At least needles don't bother me! But no reason to make myself feel worse before attempting to arrange things. Blah.

I have a cold so I am currently lamenting that I can't sing! Yesterday in an attempt not to spread my disease to Amanda Palmer I told her no hugs and so she headbutted my hip. It was amusing. I wouldn't hug Hera either so she airhugged me!

Hopefully I'll get myself sorted soon. I have a doctor note for sickness benefit. So now I just have to send it in.

Been avoiding my journal because LJ pisses me off. So here's a quick update:

Back in New Zealand. Being in the US and avoiding real life was awesome. Now I have to do actual decisions though. Calling WINZ tomorrow to look in to going on disability for chronic fatigue since I still completely crash out of nowhere and just can't do anything. Then I need to up my meds because being sick for so long is depressing and what I'm on isn't enough any more.

Also I have a cold which I am sure I got from the plane.

BUT I am back with my kitties and my housemates. They are such lovely people. I couldn't ask for better people to be with while I slog my way through this.

Once I figure out what I am doing next year, then I need to just get better. Because really? I'd like my life to continue and it feels like it has just stalled. I don't like it.

My sister and her family are leaving and I'm totally bummed because they're basically my favourite everything.

I thought I would get some things done today after they left because I wouldn't have as many people occupying my time. But I woke up this morning shaky and sick. My hands always shake, but they're doing so visibly. And my kneecaps are shaking. Which is a really weird feeling. I can't tell if it's bloodsugar or extreme tiredness or something else. But basically blah to the extreme.

And I am not pleased to see more more more shaking in Christchurch as well. Dammit.

It's already 2012 where I live. Here in Montana it's still 2011, but only for a few more hours.

These last few days with my family have been perfect. Yesterday I bought sheet music for Malik and we wandered around, talking. I played games with them all. Kelly keeps asking me to tell stories because apparently I'm hilarious. My aunt is here too, which is awesome. And oh oh, Malik had to do this project on 12 Angry Men for his English class. So he wrote, played and recorded a song in like an hour. And it was awesome. So incredibly creative, it's ridiculous.

I can't wait for 2011 to get the heck out. Here's to 2012 not consisting of jumping from one natural disaster to the next, combined with personal disasters that never seem to end. But really, I wouldn't change these last few days for anything. If 2011 always ended this way, I would slog through it again and again.

My family is amazing.

Last night I went to bed at 7 pm and woke up around 2 am. I watched the Doctor Who Christmas Special (and cried my eyes out at the end of it <3) and then fell asleep again. My mother just came to wake me up. It's 3 pm.

WELL. THAT'S A LOT OF SLEEP.

Stupid chronic fatigue.

But Christmas was lovely! And I had a dream that the girls and Woot and I moved into a new flat (I don't know why...) and it was haunted by these protective ghosts. And there was a stream in the backyard. And the kitchen was awesome. But you know, I AM rather partial to the LFoD so I don't know why I keep dreaming that the girls and Woot and I go apartment hunting. I think it's just because I like buildings.

I blame www.foxtons.co.uk No. Really.

I just watched Casanova with David Tennant in it. BRILLIANT even if the timeline is all muddled. Now I want to watch the version with Heath Ledger to compare them. And I downloaded his memoirs to read on my Kindle App.

At the beginning of the translation there is a note that says, "Caution, these works are not intended for children and may outrage readers who are also offended by Chaucer, La Fontaine and the Old Testament."

LOL.

If you're offended by the Bible, DON'T READ ABOUT CASANOVA'S SEXINGS. I suppose they DO have a point; if not a weird one.

Oh and Merry Christmas :)

More huge earthquakes in Christchurch. I'm not there at the moment, and I don't like it though my mother is pleased. My cats and friends and house are okay. I think some things broke in our kitchen but not too much.

So there that is. 5.8, 5.3 and then a 6.0 Hrrgghhh.

Finally finished all the Doctor Who though there is a new one on Christmas day. But then after that I have to wait for the new series at the end of 2012. And then I decided to watch David Tennant's video diaries of his last days on set and he's so emotional and that wasn't a brilliant idea. I feel a bit bereft which is ridiculous. Ah, first world problems. It just fills me with such nostalgia to watch, and the new series was brought back to life so well. I love that instead of restarting it, they continued it on. Makes me ridiculously happy, even when I am not fond of certain characters, or I a goggling over a story line. Or Mark freaking Gatiss has to write an episode where dolls stalk you. *shudder*

Oh, and I have decided that I will forgive the show for revealing the Doctor's name (though I don't think they will) if it is Stormageddon. But only in that instance. Stormy+Doctor=OTPP.

Tomorrow my mother and I are finishing Christmas shopping. I learned to crochet today too! In like...twenty minutes! But it hurts my hands so I couldn't do it for long. Still, I managed to help make a scarf for my niece and that is AWESOME. And speaking of my niece, my sister's family will be here on Thursday night and I am SO EXCITED! I can't wait eeeiiiii!

We also went to see my other niece's choir concert today and it was lovely. Though they sang Cat's in the Cradle. Which is just mean! Darn sentimental songs.

EDIT: THEY CHANGED THE COMMENTS AND I DON'T LIKE IT! Dammit, LJ, stop changing things!

I feel like I have been all over the universe today but we just went to buy yarn and stuff. Stupid chronic fatigue. My niece and her friend Tatum came over the other day and we had a BLAST and then I slept for like 14 hours. And they were only here from 2 to 8. Six hours of energy expenditure = 14 hours of sleep for recovery. Son of a biscuit.

And now I will go learn to crochet. And then I will write things because my soul needs expressing :D And then more sleep.

Oh. And stupid Silence in Doctor Who. Stupid, creepy, Silencey stupidheads. Ahem.

If they EVER reveal the Doctor's name, I will have a shitfit. I am not kidding.