It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

Lewi sent me an email talking about the classes he is teaching this semester. The poor guy has to teach Twilight. In a literature course. I read the books, despite hating pretty much every second of it, because I was morbidly curious and I am also a completionist. I read lines out loud to Lewi and he cringed and once he told me he refused to read them or watch the movies because he didn't want to support SMeyer's career since she shouldn't have one, and I so agree.

I enjoy the movies. I enjoy them because the actors are basically aware the source material is largely bollocks so they get on getting on. And Jacob is yummy even though that makes me feel like a dirty old woman. Billy Burke's moustache, also. It is just amazing. The movies can whiz by in an hour and a half and it doesn't matter that they don't have much to them because it's trashy fun. The books though. They basically read like a how to guide to having no self-esteem and they go on FOREVER. Poor Lewis being forced to read them! It must be like exquisite torture. His own personal hell. I told him not to go into the light.

I should link him to the m15m review by Cleolinda when he's done. It will be his reward.

Speaking of good, trashy fun, I am now on season 5 of Grey's Anatomy. It is ridiculous, but JDM is in them again and his smiling face basically makes me feel better about the world at large.

...Helios just stole my sock, the ginger bitch!

I JUST Slept for fourteen HOURS. Yeah. Think I needed that. Anyway, on to the real nitty gritty of this post. New Moon (Sorry, Liv! But to answer your Facebook question, YES I am ashamed.)

I went to see it last night, because I figured why not? Lewi was going out clubbing and movie theatres are cool. Meaning temperature-wise. I don't usually dig a room with sticky floors and frick-tonnes of people. Anyway, I went to a 5:45 session, AKA the LOSERS session. I expected it to be slightly less crowded because...you know...losers. It was not. Now, usually if I arrive before the doors open, I station myself right by the doors so I can get it right away. YES even if it's allocated seating. That's just how I roll, mate. I'm a pushy person, and it annoys me that the usual rate of heading into a theatre is a slow, bovine-like lumber. Ask Clare, who witnessed me telling her to 'just push through!' the crowd of very British people on the Thames river boat, while she looked at me like I had two heads. But dude, I'm American and even I won't go up against a bunch of rampant Twi-hards. I'd have been trampled.

It took the theatre staff roughly until 10 minutes after the ticketed showtime to clean the theatre, and I was praying for their safety as several people decided they were sick of waiting and just barged in. They were promptly thrown back out having hissy fits and saying things like "EDWARD WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!" A weird girl sidled up to me and looked me up and down and we had this ENLIGHTENING conversation:

Her: I'm really looking forward to this.
Me: Oh?
Her: Yeah. Ever since I saw the first movie.
Me: Hmmm.
Her: I never read it. I don't like novels. I read like two lines and then I'm like 'screw this'.
Me: It's not so much a novel as a 'dear diary' moment that goes on for 12,000 pages too long...
Her: ..... Edward's hot. I like your cup.

(Here is where I admit that I bought the 'New Moon Combo' to get the plastic cup with RPattz's face for Jen! Sorry, you have to deal with Kristen and whateverhisnameisdogboy too... But GOODNESS I am so thoughtful!)

Me: Okay.
Her: So yeah, I think it'll be really good.
Me: Mmmm.

And then her friend came to join her and she pointed at me and went "Look, she got the combo with the cup. Haha, freak." And I just refrained from calling her an illiterate, moronic waste of oxygen. Because no one wants to waste a good insult on someone who will go ".....Edward's hot."

We finally were let in to the theatre and we were blessed with hecklers. Normally those are the people I (the pushy American) would shout at to SHUT UP! But they were hilarious. There was an ad that basically insisted that if you wanted to be like Edward you had to drive a Volvo. Sorry, Lewi. And then the hecklers commenced booing every time you saw Edward, and cheering for Jacob. Awesome. Best lines though?:

Bella: "Edward! I'm coming!"
Edward: "No! I don't want you to come!"

Whomever wrote the screenplay? Standing ovation. You basically explained the plot of the first three and a half novels in two lines so utterly perfectly that no one could have done it better.

And the award for best actor goes to RPattz's painted on abs. Brilliant.

Oh, how was the movie? It was alright. I think Kristen Stewart cracked a smile. But only one, after all, she is Bella Swan.